Not avoiding

I once thought that by keeping people out of my heart and out of my life would save me from heartache. I did everything I could possibly think of to avoid it because I knew that someone would hurt me and I didn't want that so I avoided. Problem is it kept me from forming precious friendships. I've come to learn that it's better to let people in. If they leave or if I have to walk away it's not the end of the world. I always wish them the best with their lives but I've learned that sometimes it's necessary to say goodbye. I've had to say goodbye many times but something else that I've learned is I never have to say goodbye to my Savior. One of my favorite scriptures is from 2 Thessalonians 3:16 "Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all." He's not going anywhere. We may push Him out but He will always be there. To me that's peace.

Coming home for the break

Coming home for the break has been overwhelming. Lots of stuff happened though it's probably best I didn't blog them. It has made me think a lot though. The question that is presented is what is truly important? What can I do to improve these circumstances? It has also made me think that I should be happy for what I have regardless of how much or how little I really have but the fact that I have something. It also made me think that I shouldn't be sad that those things are gone but rejoice that I once had them. Enjoy the moments that today provides for tomorrow they may or may not be there. Take advantage of the glorious opportunities that are provided right now. Prepare for tomorrow for tomorrow the rain comes and winds that can blow the roof off the unprepared. Forgive the unforgivable for they have lives themselves. Don't worry about tomorrow just take what comes and work with what you've got. Whatever happens remember who you are, a son/daughter of God, and act accordingly. What others say about me ultimately is not important at all. The only person whose opinion and judgments really matter is Christ. Take time to breathe and relax. Life has and is teaching me these simple things.

Fairy tale thoughts

The other day I was watching princess movies and movies about heroes just to waste time until I can go home. I had a thought while I was watching these films. Life is the fairy tale. Our doubts and fears are our evil step sisters/mothers. Our fairy godmothers are our friends who help us along the way. The prince represents our dreams and aspirations. Suddenly our Cinderella dream is different and what is desirable are friends and the courage to chase after our dreams. I put it on facebook and honestly the comments surprised me. One friend jokingly said, "And then the evil queen comes, puts a curse on all of us, and takes away all of our happy endings." He was making reference to a t.v. show Once Upon a Time. I commented, there is one who can save us all...hence, life is the fairy tale. His reply, "And then Snow White's daughter showed us, destroys the curse, kills the evil queen/mayor, and saves us all." To which I responded by, then its back to reality...
Point is there are so many things that can be seen from a different angle. We can apply gospel truths to so many things, even fairy tales. It's amazing!

At any rate...

I must admit I had an amazing semester! I learned that when I do the little things the bigger things fall into place the way they are suppose to. Now that I am at a close of this semester I have a few regrets, mostly that I wish I was studying all along so I would be less stressed during this final week. I am also starting to doubt whether or not I should be a physical therapist. Every time I hear the piano I instantly feel drawn to it. The piano has me mesmerized and intrigued. It feels as if I am at one with the keys and funny thing is I have no idea how to play but its almost as if my heart knows exactly which notes to play. Right now hearing the piano is the only things that is getting me through everything. I feel transported into another realm. It is like the notes carry me into a brand new world where I feel safe, loved, like I belong, like nothing else matters...
I've been wondering lately if I I could ever be in a relationship let alone become engaged or heavens married. It always seems as if they aren't good enough or I'm not good enough. Honestly it is becoming the most depressing thing seeing all these people dating or engaged. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, I really am. I wish them nothing but good luck and no I'm not jealous. I think jealousy is stupid. I just wish it would happen to me too but I want it to happen when I'm ready for it and it is the right person at the right time. My motive for this is quite different than most. I don't really feel like I belong in a family but on rare occasions or with certain people who feel like family. I've always desired that and wanted to know what it really felt like to come home and see my family. Everyone present, everyone loving. At the same time I realize that wishing for something is foolish because I've been given so many things in life and I should just be grateful that I have what I have. Seriously! There are people starving in Africa and yet I can go into my kitchen and have a choice of what to eat. Some people are being sexually harassed and yet I have the blessing of being safe from that. Many people never have the chance for a good education and yet here I am at BYU Idaho getting possibly some of the finest education and I take it for granted. I do blame myself for not being able to attract someone worthwhile. I know it's silly but I see people as their strengths, not so much what they lack (depending on what it is). I see them and think if only I were more like them then I would be complete. People always have to step in and fix or correct me. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't get an opinion on anything, like I'm a child or something. And I do the stupidest thing, I let them. No, they don't control me but they treat me like I'm a child and to avoid and argument I let them. When I get an opinion no one ever agrees with me and I can't get them to see my point of view because I lack words to express what I truly feel. I've also come to realize that I tend to get scared of the truth. Many times I feel that I have to hide my feelings for whatever it may be or my opinions or my day at the sake of someone else not because I have anything to hide. I don't like seeing people worry about me or people think they have to correct my principles (so sick of that) or people looking at me differently because I see things in a different light. I suppose that's why I'm not too much of a judgmental person. I give my opinions freely yet I hold a lot of them back out of fear. Oh fear, that stupid stupid thing! It holds the best of us back, we let it, and then wonder what has gone wrong in our lives. I've also found that when I do tell others what I'm truly thinking or feeling they stay with me for a short period of time and then they are gone. Vanished. I'm tired of the cycle! I want real friends who don't up and leave when things get hard; real friends or bust. What does this have to do with anything? Idk, you decide, I'm merely venting.
At any rate I've decided that, for now at least, that the most important thing in my life right now is my education. It can open so many doors.

Fall 2011

This semester has come and gone. It has been the best semester of my life! I have had so many great times, met so many wonderful people, done so many new and challenging things it's hard to cope with the fact that it's ending. It's even harder coping with the fact that I have to go back to where I came from. I don't want to give this place up. I don't want to give these times away. I know that they are mine to cherish forever but I want nothing more than to relive them again. I want it to start all over again, from the very beginning. It feels like a wrinkle in time. It feels like I'm starting to wake up and jump back into reality. I want nothing more than to fall asleep again. I don't want new memories I want to keep reliving the old ones. I just want this all to come back. I don't want to face what I have to face again. I know that I'm complaining and I hate complaining but this has been the best times of my life, literally! I don't think I've felt so much at ease, so much peace, so much love in my life!

Does it really matter?

I've thought about all the people in my life who have told me that I can't and I'm not good enough. I found this song and when I hear it to me it says does it really matter what they say? What really matters is how you view yourself and how God views you too. "Wouldn't want to be anybody else. You made me insecure, told me I wasn't good enough. But who are you to judge when you're a diamond in the rough. I'm sure you've got some things you'd like to change about yourself but when it comes to me I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I'm not beauty queen I'm just beautiful me. You got every right to a beautiful life come one. Who says? Who says your not perfect? Who says you're not worth it? Who says you're the only one who's heard it? Trust me that's the price of beauty who says you're not pretty? Who says you're not beautiful? Who says?"
I've also found it's better to forgive those who have said those things and to try to see their side. It's so much easier and life seems to go by better.

Some things I am grateful for

I am grateful for my friends who go out of their way to help me in times of need. Sun rises that give me a wonderful way to start off an early morning class. Sunsets that help me finish a day right. Phones that allow me to call my family. Food that is clean and edible. My Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ,and the Holy Ghost. The people my Heavenly Father have placed in my life. The many opportunities for growth I have each day. People who find reasons to be happy. Photos that remind me to go to the temple and do temple work. Walks that help me clear my head and take in everything.

This semester

This semester I set it up to be easy but somehow it wasn't. I had set in mind expectations for what I wanted to do. I wanted a simply easy semester filled with zero drama and fun times around the corner all the time. That worked for a while but soon took a nasty turn. I found myself caught in drama, found myself bitter, found myself in all sorts of trials and tribulations, things I was focusing on trying to avoid. I've learned to not set expectations in life for when you do that is the moment things will go wrong. Take life as it comes and do the best to prepare for a good future but don't expect anything to come. I've also learned to be grateful for the good things that do come but to not expect them to come. Plan each day as if you have to overcome something everyday. Each day go into it with the mindset that you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Start over everyday new, from scratch. Yesterday no longer matters but live in the moment that you have. Each day prove to yourself who you are, what you can accomplish, and where you are going to go. Don't worry about what others think or say about you but live your life the way you want to. Drown everything else out but the sound of your own voice telling you where to go. Expect nothing. Grab a good dream and chase it until you catch it. After you have caught it find another dream and chase it until you have caught it. That is what this semester has taught me.

Life can surprise you

Sometimes life can surprise you. I always thought that one of my roommates was someone who just simply didn't like me. I was wrong. She got sick with a cold. Sometimes I am so blunt. I say this because I didn't pick up on it. She had to tell me. I offered to help her and she told me that she didn't want me to feel like she was taking advantage. It was that moment when I realized that she really had cared all along and I had been so protective of myself that I didn't even realize. Sometimes life has a strange way of revealing itself.

Other than that Thanksgiving was great. I didn't have to spend it alone. I thought spending it alone would be for the best but I am quite glad I didn't have to. I discovered that no matter where I go no matter what happens there will always be someone watching over me. For that I am grateful!

There is power in friendship

As I was watching a T.V. show it reminded me of the many times my friends became heroes for me. They stepped in and bravely said or did some things to better my life, no matter how small it may seem. They were there for me when no one else was. I am so grateful they were there for me when they were, even if I tried to push it all away at the time. I've come such a long way and I have become someone I love. Yes, I love myself. That may sound vain but I love the shoes I wear, I love the roles I fill, I love the things I get to learn, I love who I am continuing to become, and I love what I have. I don't want to ask for anything more than what I already have. I have come to the realization that some day I may have to and if I do then I do. I know that now. To all of my friends who might read this, thanks.

I've noticed this lately

Lately it feels like all I have heard are complaints. It seems as if no one is ever satisfied with what they have. I don't think I have heard once that people are just content with where they are, who they are, or what they already have. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who could be happy with so little. One day I will live in a world where I can just hear how people are content with what they have regardless of what they have. Every blessing they receive they don't wish they had it any other way. It would be Heaven to be around people who didn't get jealous over anything but rather love the shoes they were asked to fill or the shoes that they are wearing. Oh well, I suppose you can't win them all.

Glancing back, but only glancing

Looking back at my life, just for a second, I am so grateful for everything. I try to be grateful for the things that I have and not define myself for what I lack. It's a better way to live. I am grateful for the many things in my life. You may be reading this and thinking something like "She is trying to teach me something or she is so cocky." Nope. I'm simply stating my belief; no strings attached. Anyways I am content with my life and where I am at right now. I feel like I have everything I need and then some. Things in my life have come and gone. I have gotten attached to things and have fallen into pain over the thing that I lost. You want to know what? I no longer feel that way. Why? Because I take joy in the moment while I still have what I have. Once it leaves I don't pity because it is gone I rejoice with the fact that I was able to have a wonderful time. If that's not making any sense that's okay I was being vague.

Quote to live by

"I have cheated on with my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged with my faith and now...I'm marrying my dreams." -author unknown

I am beginning to see my life in this way. I want nothing to do with my doubts and my fears but with my faith and my dreams.

Shining

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-Nelson Mandela

Changing plans

Yesterday as I was blogging I found a better place to go to than over at Holden's place. Yes, I am always welcome over there and I greatly appreciate it, I really do but I know that it's not the best place for me to linger around. It's just a temporary place to visit. Last night as I was blogging a new friend of mine, Ali, is okay if I come over anytime unannounced or announced to hang out over there. This is great because usually anytime I go over to visit someone it is almost always unannounced. Next semester David will be back as well as Dallin, Darren, Keagan, and some of my other really good friends. The problem is that Caimon will be coming back. I will have all these other people but still if we are put in the same room things will turn ugly fast. I can almost guarantee that next semester I won't hear from Holden again. I'm not sure that I like the idea but I've already come to accept the fact that he isn't a part of my life anymore. I really do wish that we never dated a year ago so we could be friends but hey that's life. Lately I've been talking to Ethan. He's a sweet guy. Sometimes it's really hard talking to him though but he's sweet nevertheless. I'm glad and worried about the fact that he is sweet. Even through all this recent complications in life, life is still going good. I am really enjoying my classes (more than I should maybe...is that even possible?). Every Friday I look forward to doing something fun. I know that my past does not define me but rather somewhere that has helped me get to the place I am today. I'm very glad that I have made so many good choices to help me get here today. I anticipate the chances I will have in the future to fulfill my dreams. I can't wait for that day I can become a physical therapist, travel the world, and become the person I want to become. :D Until then I continue to find my way, feeling sunlight. ;)

Safe feelings

Monday night I became scared of all that has been happening lately. I went into a panic mode and it's been really hard to get out of. I can't really explain it because it's hard to. It has been really helpful to get a plan and to go places I have felt safe. One of the few places I am finding comfort in is visiting Holden. I only visit when I absolutely have to. It sounds really weird that of all places to go I would visit my ex boyfriend. Some might think that I have feelings or that I want to get back together. I don't. Yes, I do care about him and want the best for him but I don't want to get back together again. Why then would I be around him then? Because I am trying to feel some safety right now and I know that I am safe around him. That is why I am around him. It's only temporary. Every time I leave that place I get a confirmation of three beautiful words, "You are safe." Words that are super comforting and words that I desperately need to hear. It's odd how the Spirit can work in mysterious ways. It's also helped my family calm down about the break up we had a year ago. My dad was furious with Holden after that; I never liked that. Sure, the first few weeks I enjoyed joking around and hearing terrible things about him. After a while I got sick and tired of it. I especially don't like hearing things from people who don't know him or don't understand him. He has always been so kind to me and for that I feel very blessed. I hope that I have been as kind to him as he has to me.

Grateful

I got really scared because of some of the guys that I have been around haven't been the greatest. I felt threatened by them and it put me into a panic attack. I went over to my ex-boyfriend's place because I was really spooked. Poor guy I must have seemed really strange because I was really really scared. He sat there, listened, and let me vent. Somehow he managed to do that while playing video games. It felt really good to get it all out and to sort some things out. He listened. I was really glad to have someone listen who cares about me. This sounds strange that I would go to my ex-boyfriend of all people to go to. Even though he is my ex-boyfriend I know that he is a good person. I've always seemed to get along with him. Before I left he told me that I was always welcome to come over. I could tell that he meant it. Anyways when I left I had this strong feeling "you are safe." That was all I needed to know. The fact that I am safe is the only thing that I needed to know tonight. I am so grateful that I was able to go somewhere tonight where I felt safe. I'm not sure how many times I will have to go over there but at least I know that there is somewhere that I can go to to feel safe and secure. It is such a blessing to me.

Tis my life

For many years of my life I had been dreaming and hoping that one day I would get married. I thought that it could one day solve my problems and one day I really wanted to know what it felt like to be a part of a family. I no longer desire that. Yes that may sound terrible to some people but I'm tired of thinking I have found him and realizing he isn't even close to what I want. Some may say I'm too picky or whatever. Yeah I am. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be. I am content with where I am at right now and the direction I am traveling in. I really have no desire to get married but I know that that is not what the Lord wants at all. I want to become a great physical therapist, help millions, and travel the world. I want to go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead. No where in my plan is the concept of marriage but again that is not what the Lord wants me to entirely do. I'm trying to be open minded about dating but with everything that I know I somehow won't allow myself to. I know that I have been blogging about it a lot but this is like my secret outlet. I honestly don't think too many people view my blog (or even know I have one) and if you are a vivid reader I apologize that I am so repetitive in my writing. This sort of stuff has been on my mind lately (could you ever guess?). I feel so distracted from my schoolwork and from other things because the whole thing is just pressuring.

Changing topics I am now almost reaching my goal in receiving all A's this semester :D I am hoping soon to take up fencing. I want to do several new things this semester while I'm out here. I've been working hard on my positive attitude (I think I'm succeeding in some ways) and I'm also working on trying to be a better roommate as well as a better daughter of God. Most of it is keeping it fresh on my mind. If I allow myself to not think about it naturally I will not remember to do it. I no longer go to school saying stuff like why do I have to be here (my social dance class being the only exception) but I now want to be here and learn. I am so grateful for this whole experience! I enjoy being out here so much! My classes are super fun (well I think so). Yesterday I really enjoyed learning about Carbon 12 and Carbon 14 (call me a nerd, call me weird I really don't care I love this stuff). I anticipate the chance to learn more about global warming. I got excited Monday when I saw some trigonometry stuff I haven't seen since high school.

Testimony

"When the Lord plants a testimony in your heart, remember that a testimony isn't something you have today and you are going to have always. A testimony is fragile. It is hard to hold as a moonbeam. It is something you have to recapture everyday of your life." - President Harold B. Lee

Not stopping my progression!

"Keep moving forward." - Walt Disney.

This is one of my favorite quotes. It tells me how to live my life and what when any storm arises. My plans right now are to focus on schoolwork. Currently I want to travel the world helping people. That is my dream and I am going to focus on achieving that. "I've gotta dream, I've gotta dream. I just want to see the floating lanterns gleam. And with every passing hour I'm so glad I left my tower. Like all you lovely folks I've gotta dream." - Tangled.

I know that I am suppose to be dating this semester but to be quite blunt I don't want to. Personally I just want to go into a profession and help people for the rest of my life. I do believe that for now I can focus on that dream but eventually I'll have to do the most intimidating thing there is on the planet: date. YIKES! I get to learn and I get to expand my mind which is one of the few things that is keeping me going. Call me a nerd but I am actually really excited to be learning the things I am learning about in my classes! :D Last night I was super thrilled to try to help someone in Pre-Calculus. I understand the stuff but since time was short I wasn't able to be of much help. I wish I could have been given more time. I have discovered that there just isn't any time to waste it in the prospect of what could have been. There is just too much work to be done. Besides that I would much rather allow myself to be happy than soak around in misery. Seriously, who would want to mope around all the time? I can't change my environment or other people but I can change the way I view things and I can change how I respond to things. "So I put on foot in front of the other no no nothing's gonna break my stride. I keep climbing gonna keep fighting until I make it to the other side of down." -David Archuleta

Poem to ponder

"Supposing today were your last day on earth,
The last mile of the journey you've trod;
After all of your struggles, how much are you worth,
How much can you take home to God?
Don't count as possessions your silver and gold,
Tomorrow you leave these behind,
And all that is yours to have and to hold
Is the service you've given mankind." -Anonymous

I started thinking about this poem today. It really makes me think. If I were to die right now what could I bring to God? Was I building up worldly treasures or treasures in Heaven? It really inspires me to become a better person and to really think about my actions.

Learning

Oh how blind I can be sometimes. A guy liked me over the summer. At first I didn't want to like him but began to. I began to like him a lot but honestly I liked the fact that he would say kind things to me. I found out that he is not the kind of person I want to be with. I do feel stupid that I allowed myself to fall for someone who was not my prince that could bring me to my castle (or in other words he is not my knight in shining armor ready to take me to the temple). At the same time I feel wiser and much more trusting in the Lord. Everything I went through was not a complete loss but rather a learning experience. I can choose to walk away from this with more faith and trust in the Lord or I can allow myself to become in a state of misery. Personally I choose to learn from all this and become a better person because of it. I like what David Archuleta once sang about, "I could give up, I could stay stuck, or I could move on so I put one foot in front of the other no no nothing's gonna break my stride. I keep climbing gonna keep fighting until I make it to the other side of down..." It is so true. I am so grateful that I am able to learn and grow from this experience.

Homesick sometimes

Sometimes I just miss home. I can't help but think about summer days sitting outside of my house in the heat watching cars drive by. I can't help but think about the cotton fields, deep southern accents, spending time with my dad or my little sister, having dinners with my grandparents, and oh the food! How I miss the food! I just miss the environment I grew up around. Sometimes I wish I could combine my new life with a bit of the old. That would be perfect! I don't mean to complain about anything, life is good. It's just sometimes you miss home a bit. I am so grateful for the opportunities I have had to live where I did, even though it wasn't perfect.

Overcoming rather than being overcome

I've noticed lately how many times in my life I have limited my capacities. There are many times when I would refuse to be open minded. Point is I found out that I would stop my growth as a person and as a daughter of God when I would do so. I wanted to not date anymore so I could stop feeling hurt and other emotions associated with dating. After one talk in General Conference I knew that I needed to start dating. The second I made this decision peace came. I can keep moving towards my goals in life in the meantime while I wait for a normal date. I know now that by not dating I cannot become like my Heavenly Father because in order to become like Him I need to have a family of my own. One of the beginning steps to this is dating.

Let me put my perspective on this using an analogy. Think of life as one big hike up a mountain. We are given some basic instructions about how to stay safe, where to go, and broad knowledge of how to get there. We are let loose to find a way to get up the mountain. Along the way we get bits and pieces of information about what to do, which path to take, and what to avoid. Imagine you were just given a small direction of a specific turn to take. You look at it and the trail seems impossible to go up. You stop. You'll say something like, "I'm not going up that way, it scares me." Maybe you've even said, "I've had bad experiences before with paths like this. I've learned my lesson." Maybe you even said, "No." You refuse to go any further up the mountain. This is just like life. In the pre-existence we were given some knowledge and basic instructions and given the opportunity to become like our Heavenly Father. We start the trail. Sometimes we are given directions and told to go this way or that way. What if we look up the mountain and say, "I'm not going up that way, it scares me" or "I've had bad experiences before with paths like this. I've learned my lesson" or even "no." What happens then? We stop. We no longer gain anything but stay where we are. My friend Braden has a wonderful philosophy which goes along quite well with this. He said, "if you do what you have always done you will get what you have always gotten." I think it is important to be open minded about things that the Lord says, regardless of what has happened or what could happen or anything else for that matter.

I have been trying very hard to keep an open mind about what the Savior wants me to do in my life. Sometimes I want to say I can't. I know that for every I can't He is telling me I can.

Sometimes

I was at FHE tonight. It was a lot of fun! I met some awesome people and had loads of great times! We started to talk about families and strengthening our lives. I enjoyed the lesson a lot! I made a few comments myself. There came a point when I felt inadequate and lost like I did in high school. All those old feelings started to come back. I suppose it happens that people lose confidence in themselves when thinking about terrible times. Thinking about it I wonder why a daughter of God (me) would allow herself to think this way? I'm not the same person anymore and I've confronted so many things that have held me back. I understand that I am not perfect. I think Satan is aware that I have accomplished so much and is trying very hard to stop me in my tracks. Yes, it is very important for someone to have self-confidence. I'm not letting it stop me from accomplishing what I want to achieve in this life and certainly not the next. So yeah, from time to time I won't feel the best about myself, it happens, but I won't let it stop me! I know who I am and I know where I've come from. I am a daughter of God. He has a plan for me as He does for you. I have faith that through Him anything is possible, I just have to believe that it is ;)

I'm trying

I have been avoiding dating this semester. Personally all I wanted to do was serve people. I want to become a physical therapist and travel the world volunteering and helping people recover. The Lord has other plans for me; plans I want to put off and maybe even not do. I was listening to general conference and my question was answered...I need to date this semester. I'm still struggling with this because personally I don't want to date. I just want to hang out with friends, get my schoolwork done, and become a physical therapist. Those are my goals right now. I am trying to not be so close minded about this new change because I've noticed when I would be close minded about this topic I would have problems with the gospel. Why? My assumption is that I placed myself into a position where I can't receive revelation because I turned myself off to hearing the Lord. I am happiest when I am serving the Lord. Otherwise I just get angry with life and myself.

Feeling overwhelmed

Lately it seems like every guy wants to date me. I'm not sure why all of a sudden guys want to date me but they do. I even had a friend who I never would have suspected to tell me that he had liked me for a long time. This has bothered me a great deal lately. People have said that if it happened to them they would be flattered but I'm not flattered I'm scared half to death. I started attracting some guys who do not fit the standards I have set. This made me seriously think that the reason I was attracting these guys was because there was something wrong with me. It may seem like twisted logic however after constantly being liked by some interesting people you would probably begin to wonder the same thing. Personally I don't want to date especially after seeing the guys who are attracted to me. For a while I probably won't date because I need time. During that time I hope to grow closer to my Heavenly Father. I hate it that I had to hurt some guys because I can't date them but I don't feel bad that I am trying to do what the Lord would have me to do. I've learned what is really important and what is not. I am continuing to learn this lesson but I am very grateful that I am learning it this way than to another and to have my feelings severely wounded.

So amazed!

While I was at work I saw the light of Christ in a few people. One man held a lady's books. In return she bought him one of his books. There have been a lot of other really awesome stories that I have been able to witness while working in the bookstore. I also volunteered at a local physical therapy place. I feel so honored that I was able to have that experience. Each week for one month I had the privilege of seeing people just helping people. No questions asked! Whatever was needed they did it. Not only that but they noticed the good qualities of others and were very polite.
The message that I want to relate is that it doesn't where, when, how, why, or to what extent any of us are in we can serve others and be Christlike towards others. "Savior may I learn to love Thee. Walk the path that thou hast shown. Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own. Savior, may I learn to love thee Lord, I would follow Thee. Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow Thee. I would be my brother's keeper; I would learn the healer's art. To the wounded and the weary I would show a gentle heart. I would be my brother's keeper. Lord, I would follow Thee. Savior, may I love my brother as I know Thou lovest me. Find in Thee my strength, my beacon, for Thy servant I would be. Savior, may I love my brother. Lord, I would follow Thee."

Feeling blessed

Growing up I never appreciated or even thought that I could feel such love towards my family like this. After my parents divorced I thought that my life was doomed as was my family. I didn't think that my family could ever be a family. I was wrong. My family isn't together technically but recently I've learned that, with my circumstance, that's not really what's important. The point is that my family, no matter where we are, is still my family.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was taught that families can be eternal. I was also taught that there are three degrees of glory, the celestial kingdom being the highest. In order to get there one must live as Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to live through His prophets and through the scriptures. The highest degree in this kingdom is where the families are. I never dreamed that I could possibly be a part of that because of my special family. Recently I have come to the knowledge that I can.
I went to tell my little sister something late at night. It ended up becoming a three hour conversation. I realized how much I loved her. Then I began thinking. I can't imagine this life or the next life or any other life without her. I realized that night how much I really love her. Then after my mom, my little sister, and I read from the scriptures and said our prayers I went into my mom's room to spend time with her. We read a story like we did the night before. What was different was my little sister wasn't there this time so I was able to spend some time with my mom. While we were reading I could really feel the love my mom has for me. I can't picture eternal life without her. My family isn't normal, some might say we're special. I say that the thing that makes us special is the fact that we love each other no matter what. I love how much love there is in my family, my special family. I can honestly say that I am very grateful for my Savior and for Him putting us together. I have learned so much from them but the thing that I'm most grateful for is the love that I feel when I am around them. I know that Jesus is the Christ and that He loves each of us. I know that He knows what He is doing though at times it doesn't seem that way. I also know that if anyone will put their trust in Him He will perform miracles in their lives sometimes not as expected.

Opinions

People have their opinions. Sometimes they are positive sometimes they are negative. Should we really let what they say get to us? My opinion is no they shouldn't. Personally whatever Our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost say should matter and they are the only opinions that should matter. I also think that anyone He has called to an authority over us matters as well. I have come to realize that. I don't care what others think. I care about being kind and helping others than what they are thinking. People say things to defend themselves but when Christ speaks it's not to defend but to help. Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Some of the hardest things in life are to ignore spiteful criticism, stay positive about life, follow the teachings of His gospel, and keep moving forward with faith. I know this to be true.

Having no more desire to do evil

This last semester has been extremely tough and challenging for me. To compare it to life it felt like turning on burner on a stove with your hand on it. At first it's not so bad then things heat up. The challenge to keep your hand on the stove becomes impossible. It's a bad analogy I know but it's the best description I could think of to describe how that semester felt for me. Everything bad that I could think of happened. I must admit I am not a perfect person and didn't hang in as best I should have. My old roommate and such an awesome friend of mine grew quite concerned for me after a while. She knew I was under a lot of pressure and such but was there for me. I am so grateful for her being there when I needed someone. I am also so grateful for my other friends who were there for me. Anyways, when I got home I was still struggling with life for quite some time after until I got an email from one of my friends who is on his mission right now. He has no idea that I went through a rough rough semester. After I got that email I had a desire to read my scriptures and about a week later I did. Then I started praying again. Strange thing happened after that...I actually felt better. Yeah, I had to admit to myself that I knew things weren't going to change much in life and my life won't instantly change because I did but it made me feel better. I know that my life will not be perfect and for now at least I will have to go through many challenges but I know that I don't have to suffer anymore inside because I go through so much. Christ suffered on the cross not only to atone for our sins but also so He can understand what people like me go through. He won't take away others agency but He can heal us inside and out. Yeah, people will make their choices and it's going to be tough but He can take the pain away, first we have to believe that He can. I am learning and probably will learn my entire life that bad things will happen to good people but it is what we do with it that matters most. I don't have to be bitter about my life and I don't have to see the negative side to life either because in all honesty even though the glass is half empty it's also half full. I can focus on the good or the bad. I must admit I have become a better person. I'm still talking to my friend who is out on his mission and it has been quite a joy to hear from him. He comes home in less than three months and I hope that I get to see him sometime.

Learning to love like Christ

There have been so many complications lately. This semester I have come across many people who have been so hard to get along with. I started to wonder why I was doing all these things for them when they wouldn't do the same for me. I wondered why I was taking time out of my life to help them. All they ever did was complain about things that weren't going their way. Honestly I wanted to stop doing kind things for them and I think that I did for a little bit. To be honest I don't exactly remember how but somehow I decided to serve them anyways. I started to feel clean; I started to feel like I was doing something right. It felt right. It helped create peace a little. It helped me to become a little more like my Savior. I am growing to love them as Christ does by serving them. Serving people like that is always difficult at first but it gets easier over time. When I lose myself in the service of others I always find myself no matter what trial is thrown at me. This I know to be true.
One of my roommates told a story about a religion class she took. The class was asked to draw a picture of the person they most hated. After everyone was done the teacher took the pictures and put them on a dart board. He then told the class to throw the darts at the photos. They did. He asked them if they felt better and the class responded that they had. The teacher removed the photos and the dart board. Behind those pictures was a picture of Christ. The darts also had hit Christ leaving the same holes that were on the photos. The teacher then taught this scripture, "if ye have done it to the least of My brethren ye have also done it unto Me." Christ cares just as much as the people we don't care for as He does for us. If Christ who was perfect cared about those people who we don't really care for or get along with then shouldn't we care for them?
I know that Heavenly Father loves and cares for each of His children. I also know that we should do the same for His children regardless of who they are.

Simple words

This semester I have had a hard time with my roommates. One of them is a lot like me which is probably why we are having a hard time getting along. I started spending more time with my old roommate at her new place. This weekend two of my roommates left town to go home. Things are quieter than usual (hmmm...lol). I began talking to one of my roommates. We were talking and we talked about some of the things that have been happening here in the apartment. I won't mention anything because I really do believe that whatever happens in the apartment should stay in the apartment. I also believe that if a story could help someone it should be told.
I started talking to her. Somehow the things that I have said have made an impact on her. She mentioned that some of the things I have said sounded profound. I was able to teach her about how to care about people that are difficult to do so. I loved one of the comments she made. She told me that I seem like the person that would not understand but actually does. I don't know how many of the things that I said will help the situations out but I hope something I said will.
I know the gospel has power. I know that once we let the gospel really become a part of us we have the capacity to move mountains just by the sound of our voice. I firmly believe that testimonies were born to be heard. Sometimes it's not always clear what will mean something to someone. I do know this; silence is not always golden.

So I discovered

I became interested in quotes by Joseph Smith. I remember one quote by him when he was on his way to Carthage Jail he spoke to those who were traveling with him. He said "you be careful of which music you listen to because not all music is of God." He also mentioned that hard rock was not of God. Why would a loving God want us to listen to angry music or music that screams at us? Doesn't the Spirit whisper things to us rather than yell? Why then with this in mind would music that raised its tone in malice be uplifting or comforting? What is so comforting about something that drives the Spirit away? If that's the case then doesn't it seem logical that certain kinds of music drives the Spirit away? Just something to think about...
Anyways, as I was searching for this quote and I could not find it. I decided to search for quotes by Joseph Smith under the topic of forgiveness. I chose this topic because I figured that I needed to hear something about forgiveness. I discovered one quote that had a lot of power and meant a lot to me. "One of the most pleasing scenes that can occur on earth, when a sin has been committed by one person against another, is, to forgive that sin; and then according to the sublime and perfect pattern of the Savior, pray to our Father in heaven to forgive him also." I never thought of praying to the Father that He will forgive someone. I believe that there is power in prayer.

The clean feeling

I'm recently getting over the flu. It feels so great to relieve myself from such a sickness! I'm currently in the process of sanitizing, washing, and cleaning whatever I have used while being sick. As I was doing my second load I started thinking how great it started to feel to become clean. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that all the germs and bacteria that once infected my body can go away. It's a wonderful feeling to feel clean again.
This sparked my thinking. It also feels wonderful when we can free ourselves from our sins and become clean in His name. What a great feeling it is to free ourselves from bondage! It really does feel great to feel clean again. The Spirit becomes present in my life, so I've noticed, when I've created a clean atmosphere. Things are less chaotic and much more at peace. This I testify to be true.

Being Blessed

Wednesday I went to the doctor. I was lucky to get in to get an appointment because they were really full that day. After testing me they discovered that I had the flu. I wasn't really upset by the fact that I had the flu because I thought about some of the positive things it gave me. Since I'm not allowed to go to any of my classes so that I won't spread the virus around I was given the chance to catch up in my classes because I had time to do more things. I also had more time to rest which my body needed.
Tuesday I received a priesthood blessing because that's when I started feeling sick. That's not the first time I've received a blessing to heal one of my sicknesses but I don't have any memory of receiving any before tuesday. After I received the blessing the words "you will be healed in My name" kept coming up. I'm still sick with the flu but I know that when the time comes He will honor that blessing and heal me.