Some things I am grateful for

I am grateful for my friends who go out of their way to help me in times of need. Sun rises that give me a wonderful way to start off an early morning class. Sunsets that help me finish a day right. Phones that allow me to call my family. Food that is clean and edible. My Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ,and the Holy Ghost. The people my Heavenly Father have placed in my life. The many opportunities for growth I have each day. People who find reasons to be happy. Photos that remind me to go to the temple and do temple work. Walks that help me clear my head and take in everything.

This semester

This semester I set it up to be easy but somehow it wasn't. I had set in mind expectations for what I wanted to do. I wanted a simply easy semester filled with zero drama and fun times around the corner all the time. That worked for a while but soon took a nasty turn. I found myself caught in drama, found myself bitter, found myself in all sorts of trials and tribulations, things I was focusing on trying to avoid. I've learned to not set expectations in life for when you do that is the moment things will go wrong. Take life as it comes and do the best to prepare for a good future but don't expect anything to come. I've also learned to be grateful for the good things that do come but to not expect them to come. Plan each day as if you have to overcome something everyday. Each day go into it with the mindset that you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Start over everyday new, from scratch. Yesterday no longer matters but live in the moment that you have. Each day prove to yourself who you are, what you can accomplish, and where you are going to go. Don't worry about what others think or say about you but live your life the way you want to. Drown everything else out but the sound of your own voice telling you where to go. Expect nothing. Grab a good dream and chase it until you catch it. After you have caught it find another dream and chase it until you have caught it. That is what this semester has taught me.

Life can surprise you

Sometimes life can surprise you. I always thought that one of my roommates was someone who just simply didn't like me. I was wrong. She got sick with a cold. Sometimes I am so blunt. I say this because I didn't pick up on it. She had to tell me. I offered to help her and she told me that she didn't want me to feel like she was taking advantage. It was that moment when I realized that she really had cared all along and I had been so protective of myself that I didn't even realize. Sometimes life has a strange way of revealing itself.

Other than that Thanksgiving was great. I didn't have to spend it alone. I thought spending it alone would be for the best but I am quite glad I didn't have to. I discovered that no matter where I go no matter what happens there will always be someone watching over me. For that I am grateful!

There is power in friendship

As I was watching a T.V. show it reminded me of the many times my friends became heroes for me. They stepped in and bravely said or did some things to better my life, no matter how small it may seem. They were there for me when no one else was. I am so grateful they were there for me when they were, even if I tried to push it all away at the time. I've come such a long way and I have become someone I love. Yes, I love myself. That may sound vain but I love the shoes I wear, I love the roles I fill, I love the things I get to learn, I love who I am continuing to become, and I love what I have. I don't want to ask for anything more than what I already have. I have come to the realization that some day I may have to and if I do then I do. I know that now. To all of my friends who might read this, thanks.

I've noticed this lately

Lately it feels like all I have heard are complaints. It seems as if no one is ever satisfied with what they have. I don't think I have heard once that people are just content with where they are, who they are, or what they already have. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who could be happy with so little. One day I will live in a world where I can just hear how people are content with what they have regardless of what they have. Every blessing they receive they don't wish they had it any other way. It would be Heaven to be around people who didn't get jealous over anything but rather love the shoes they were asked to fill or the shoes that they are wearing. Oh well, I suppose you can't win them all.

Glancing back, but only glancing

Looking back at my life, just for a second, I am so grateful for everything. I try to be grateful for the things that I have and not define myself for what I lack. It's a better way to live. I am grateful for the many things in my life. You may be reading this and thinking something like "She is trying to teach me something or she is so cocky." Nope. I'm simply stating my belief; no strings attached. Anyways I am content with my life and where I am at right now. I feel like I have everything I need and then some. Things in my life have come and gone. I have gotten attached to things and have fallen into pain over the thing that I lost. You want to know what? I no longer feel that way. Why? Because I take joy in the moment while I still have what I have. Once it leaves I don't pity because it is gone I rejoice with the fact that I was able to have a wonderful time. If that's not making any sense that's okay I was being vague.

Quote to live by

"I have cheated on with my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged with my faith and now...I'm marrying my dreams." -author unknown

I am beginning to see my life in this way. I want nothing to do with my doubts and my fears but with my faith and my dreams.

Shining

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-Nelson Mandela

Changing plans

Yesterday as I was blogging I found a better place to go to than over at Holden's place. Yes, I am always welcome over there and I greatly appreciate it, I really do but I know that it's not the best place for me to linger around. It's just a temporary place to visit. Last night as I was blogging a new friend of mine, Ali, is okay if I come over anytime unannounced or announced to hang out over there. This is great because usually anytime I go over to visit someone it is almost always unannounced. Next semester David will be back as well as Dallin, Darren, Keagan, and some of my other really good friends. The problem is that Caimon will be coming back. I will have all these other people but still if we are put in the same room things will turn ugly fast. I can almost guarantee that next semester I won't hear from Holden again. I'm not sure that I like the idea but I've already come to accept the fact that he isn't a part of my life anymore. I really do wish that we never dated a year ago so we could be friends but hey that's life. Lately I've been talking to Ethan. He's a sweet guy. Sometimes it's really hard talking to him though but he's sweet nevertheless. I'm glad and worried about the fact that he is sweet. Even through all this recent complications in life, life is still going good. I am really enjoying my classes (more than I should maybe...is that even possible?). Every Friday I look forward to doing something fun. I know that my past does not define me but rather somewhere that has helped me get to the place I am today. I'm very glad that I have made so many good choices to help me get here today. I anticipate the chances I will have in the future to fulfill my dreams. I can't wait for that day I can become a physical therapist, travel the world, and become the person I want to become. :D Until then I continue to find my way, feeling sunlight. ;)

Safe feelings

Monday night I became scared of all that has been happening lately. I went into a panic mode and it's been really hard to get out of. I can't really explain it because it's hard to. It has been really helpful to get a plan and to go places I have felt safe. One of the few places I am finding comfort in is visiting Holden. I only visit when I absolutely have to. It sounds really weird that of all places to go I would visit my ex boyfriend. Some might think that I have feelings or that I want to get back together. I don't. Yes, I do care about him and want the best for him but I don't want to get back together again. Why then would I be around him then? Because I am trying to feel some safety right now and I know that I am safe around him. That is why I am around him. It's only temporary. Every time I leave that place I get a confirmation of three beautiful words, "You are safe." Words that are super comforting and words that I desperately need to hear. It's odd how the Spirit can work in mysterious ways. It's also helped my family calm down about the break up we had a year ago. My dad was furious with Holden after that; I never liked that. Sure, the first few weeks I enjoyed joking around and hearing terrible things about him. After a while I got sick and tired of it. I especially don't like hearing things from people who don't know him or don't understand him. He has always been so kind to me and for that I feel very blessed. I hope that I have been as kind to him as he has to me.

Grateful

I got really scared because of some of the guys that I have been around haven't been the greatest. I felt threatened by them and it put me into a panic attack. I went over to my ex-boyfriend's place because I was really spooked. Poor guy I must have seemed really strange because I was really really scared. He sat there, listened, and let me vent. Somehow he managed to do that while playing video games. It felt really good to get it all out and to sort some things out. He listened. I was really glad to have someone listen who cares about me. This sounds strange that I would go to my ex-boyfriend of all people to go to. Even though he is my ex-boyfriend I know that he is a good person. I've always seemed to get along with him. Before I left he told me that I was always welcome to come over. I could tell that he meant it. Anyways when I left I had this strong feeling "you are safe." That was all I needed to know. The fact that I am safe is the only thing that I needed to know tonight. I am so grateful that I was able to go somewhere tonight where I felt safe. I'm not sure how many times I will have to go over there but at least I know that there is somewhere that I can go to to feel safe and secure. It is such a blessing to me.

Tis my life

For many years of my life I had been dreaming and hoping that one day I would get married. I thought that it could one day solve my problems and one day I really wanted to know what it felt like to be a part of a family. I no longer desire that. Yes that may sound terrible to some people but I'm tired of thinking I have found him and realizing he isn't even close to what I want. Some may say I'm too picky or whatever. Yeah I am. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be. I am content with where I am at right now and the direction I am traveling in. I really have no desire to get married but I know that that is not what the Lord wants at all. I want to become a great physical therapist, help millions, and travel the world. I want to go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead. No where in my plan is the concept of marriage but again that is not what the Lord wants me to entirely do. I'm trying to be open minded about dating but with everything that I know I somehow won't allow myself to. I know that I have been blogging about it a lot but this is like my secret outlet. I honestly don't think too many people view my blog (or even know I have one) and if you are a vivid reader I apologize that I am so repetitive in my writing. This sort of stuff has been on my mind lately (could you ever guess?). I feel so distracted from my schoolwork and from other things because the whole thing is just pressuring.

Changing topics I am now almost reaching my goal in receiving all A's this semester :D I am hoping soon to take up fencing. I want to do several new things this semester while I'm out here. I've been working hard on my positive attitude (I think I'm succeeding in some ways) and I'm also working on trying to be a better roommate as well as a better daughter of God. Most of it is keeping it fresh on my mind. If I allow myself to not think about it naturally I will not remember to do it. I no longer go to school saying stuff like why do I have to be here (my social dance class being the only exception) but I now want to be here and learn. I am so grateful for this whole experience! I enjoy being out here so much! My classes are super fun (well I think so). Yesterday I really enjoyed learning about Carbon 12 and Carbon 14 (call me a nerd, call me weird I really don't care I love this stuff). I anticipate the chance to learn more about global warming. I got excited Monday when I saw some trigonometry stuff I haven't seen since high school.

Testimony

"When the Lord plants a testimony in your heart, remember that a testimony isn't something you have today and you are going to have always. A testimony is fragile. It is hard to hold as a moonbeam. It is something you have to recapture everyday of your life." - President Harold B. Lee

Not stopping my progression!

"Keep moving forward." - Walt Disney.

This is one of my favorite quotes. It tells me how to live my life and what when any storm arises. My plans right now are to focus on schoolwork. Currently I want to travel the world helping people. That is my dream and I am going to focus on achieving that. "I've gotta dream, I've gotta dream. I just want to see the floating lanterns gleam. And with every passing hour I'm so glad I left my tower. Like all you lovely folks I've gotta dream." - Tangled.

I know that I am suppose to be dating this semester but to be quite blunt I don't want to. Personally I just want to go into a profession and help people for the rest of my life. I do believe that for now I can focus on that dream but eventually I'll have to do the most intimidating thing there is on the planet: date. YIKES! I get to learn and I get to expand my mind which is one of the few things that is keeping me going. Call me a nerd but I am actually really excited to be learning the things I am learning about in my classes! :D Last night I was super thrilled to try to help someone in Pre-Calculus. I understand the stuff but since time was short I wasn't able to be of much help. I wish I could have been given more time. I have discovered that there just isn't any time to waste it in the prospect of what could have been. There is just too much work to be done. Besides that I would much rather allow myself to be happy than soak around in misery. Seriously, who would want to mope around all the time? I can't change my environment or other people but I can change the way I view things and I can change how I respond to things. "So I put on foot in front of the other no no nothing's gonna break my stride. I keep climbing gonna keep fighting until I make it to the other side of down." -David Archuleta

Poem to ponder

"Supposing today were your last day on earth,
The last mile of the journey you've trod;
After all of your struggles, how much are you worth,
How much can you take home to God?
Don't count as possessions your silver and gold,
Tomorrow you leave these behind,
And all that is yours to have and to hold
Is the service you've given mankind." -Anonymous

I started thinking about this poem today. It really makes me think. If I were to die right now what could I bring to God? Was I building up worldly treasures or treasures in Heaven? It really inspires me to become a better person and to really think about my actions.