Friday, February 22, 2013

Fear not the fear

"Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself."  It's really difficult and scary thinking of the future, especially when you're not sure what'll happen.  College is a trying time for everyone.  Those who survive and are able to find a job after are doing good.  The end result seems wonderful in and of itself but what about the struggle?  School is basically blood, sweat, and tears at times.  Think about it, when you applied didn't you sweat a little?  When you failed or came close to failing a test didn't you cry?  When you were studying didn't you get at least one paper cut?  It's the concept of blood, sweat, and tears and somehow this motivates us human beings to do a little bit better.  What about all the drama that happened?  If you made it through college without any drama I commend you; please tell me how you did it, seriously!  Let's face it, college is rough.
Last semester my dad lost his job which means that I am now financing my entire schooling all by myself.  After talking with my mom I found out that she is now making $8,000 less than a year ago.  My grandparents aren't able to support anyone with my older sister the way she is.  To make matters even more interesting I'm no longer speaking to my dad.  Things keep happening and it's scary what could happen, what is happening in my life.
I suppose when these things happen in life the only things that we have left to hold onto is hope or fear.  Sometimes they are the same; we fear what we hope.  If we fear what we hope are we really hoping?  Shouldn't we just dust off our shoes a bit and work ten times harder than we ever have?  Is there really any room for fear?  "I can see the weight there in your eyes.  I can feel the thorn in your side.  Your knuckles are bruised from a loosing fight.  One way down a dead end street, broken glass underneath your feet.  You think the day won't break the sunless night.  The sun'll rise, the sun'll rise, when you've lost your light, the sun'll rise, it'll be alright...although you can't see it, so hard to believe it, sometimes you need a little faith.  There's an answer to your prayer and I swear that there'll come a day, yeah.  The sun'll rise, the sun'll rise, the sun'll rise (Kelly Clarkson)."  We can't always see this but one day things will make sense.  If you have a goal, no matter if the odds are with you or not, pursue it.  Fear not greatness but rather let greatness be afraid of you.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Sorrows can become positive

I feel like everyone goes through a bad relationship.  There are so many things one can learn after these tribulations are over.  I sure learned a lot through my horrible relationships.  My first boyfriend was terrible!  We began dating within the first week of getting to know each other.  He kept wanting to get closer and closer but I held my limits.  At the time I believed that my first kiss should  be saved for my wedding day so all I would do is hold hands or sit really close.  It wasn't too long before things didn't feel right.  My first attempt to breakup led to me backing off entirely.  He picked up on the idea that the idea of a breakup was in the air.  It was then that he threatened me if we ever broke up.  I can't even describe the fear that I felt for a year and then some after that.  There were a few other things that he did while we were "dating" that were a bit questionable.  Eventually I broke up with him.  That was extremely nerve wrecking for me because he had already threatened me before if we ever broke up.  I feel grateful that he never tried to come after me because I have heard of stories where ex boyfriends would physically harm a girl if she broke up with him.  Years later we talked about that night and he apologized for all of that but he still didn't have the greatest motives attached to his apology.  He still wanted something I didn't.  Eventually I built up the nerve to tell him how disgusting it is the way he treats women.  One day I really hope he understands that.
I feel so blessed that nothing ever happened.  I feel incredibly blessed to never have been physically harmed by a guy I have dated.
There are many other stories about things that have happened in my past that have created a hassle in my life.   The priesthood is such an amazing thing!  This semester I had the opportunity to receive a priesthood blessing to help my post traumatic stress.  The Lord has help lessen the pains, sorrows, and fears placed into my life by other individuals, unfortunately there have been more horrible stories than this.  He has given me exactly what I have needed for me to heal for the past several years.  It has helped me sleep and relax.  These things are still hard to me but they have become easier than they were before.
To those who are in abusive situations in any way, shape, or form get some help.  For those who were like me there is a way out of all of this!  You don't have to be quiet about anything that has happened.  Friends, family, teachers, guidance counselors, anybody you trust speak up.  Things will get better over time.  Just know that something can be done about all of this.
I'm learning to trust again after this and many other horrifying tales I haven't really talked much about.  I've learned that what's in the past is truly in the past.  I've learned to trust much better people and I'm hanging around much better people.  In ways I'm glad that I went through these trials, they have made me the person I am today.  They have helped me to be compassionate towards others who have been through similar things.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Coming to grips

Isn't it always the hardest at the beginning of a semester and towards the end as well?  It is for me at least.  The beginning of this semester was so rough!  I just came back from my internship with Disney World in Orlando, Florida.  It was 70 degrees!  Perfect weather!  It was nice that I had two days where I could do anything I wanted and having free passes to Disney was definitely a perk!  Then I had to come to Idaho for school; it was in the negatives when I came back.  The negatives!  We're not talking like negative one degree, we're talking negative sixteen or seventeen!  Bleh!  At first I struggled with a thing called Disney depression.  It's the worst!  You don't want to do anything but Disney related activities.  I found myself missing Disney more and more.  Whenever I would have free time I found myself having that itch to go to Disney and ride some rides.  Nope, I can't do that out here.  Slowly, I'm finding myself become a bit more lazy; I'm looking for ways out.  It seems like I have no direction anymore.  It seems as if a few years ago I had much more figured out.  As I was reading I noticed one thing, I didn't doubt my faith nearly as much or I made it more of an effort to read my scriptures or pray.  I'm starting to notice how quiet things really are when revelation becomes quiet.  It's interesting how these things have an impact on our lives.  When we take these things away we tend to forget who we are and where we're going in life.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Give chances

You know that guy you labeled "a good friend"?  So many guys, good guys, get trapped in this bubble.  These guys are the world's greatest secret!  They're the ones you turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on or when you want to hang out.  They're some of the most polite people you'll probably ever meet.  Some people wonder why they're still single.  Well in all honesty sometimes it is us girls; we just don't give out chances to the good guys, the guys we can always depend on or are dependable.  Sometimes we do give them chances and it's okay if things don't work out.  I've dated a lot and something I've noticed is the guys who can usually get a girl are the ones who know what to say and how to say it but have no meaning behind it.  It's like they're reading a script.  Heads up, they don't actually mean a word they say most of the time.  I challenge anyone who reads this and who is still single to give that good guy or good girl (because as much as this happens to the guys it happens to us girls) a chance.  Who knows, you might find someone you really like and you might find someone who is a legit good person.

Opening up is difficult!

Have you ever wanted to let people know the real you but couldn't?  That happens to me a lot.  It's so hard letting people know the real me sometimes.  Sometimes I have the hardest time telling people that I'm actually a quiet person or I can do a great dumb blonde impression.  You never know how  people are going to react and you don't want them to react mean about it.  I struggle telling people that I have horrible acne or secretly I actually like school but lately I've disliked it lately because I want to have a social life.  Honestly, I enjoy learning; I get bored with it out here because I want to have that social life I didn't have in high school or didn't think I could have.  There are so many things about myself I hide or wait to let other people know.  And when it comes to things that I like I'm actually pretty versatile; sometimes I really don't have an opinion on that because I go with the flow.  If people like an activity I do it and have fun doing it; I guess I'm really not that picky.  I suppose there are things I don't enjoy as much but overall I just go with the flow (or at least in my mind that's what I do).  I also like being around a variety of people though some people honestly I'd rather just avoid.  As long as I can live my standards I say let the good times roll.