Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Monday night I became scared of all that has been happening lately. I went into a panic mode and it's been really hard to get out of. I can't really explain it because it's hard to. It has been really helpful to get a plan and to go places I have felt safe. One of the few places I am finding comfort in is visiting Holden. I only visit when I absolutely have to. It sounds really weird that of all places to go I would visit my ex boyfriend. Some might think that I have feelings or that I want to get back together. I don't. Yes, I do care about him and want the best for him but I don't want to get back together again. Why then would I be around him then? Because I am trying to feel some safety right now and I know that I am safe around him. That is why I am around him. It's only temporary. Every time I leave that place I get a confirmation of three beautiful words, "You are safe." Words that are super comforting and words that I desperately need to hear. It's odd how the Spirit can work in mysterious ways. It's also helped my family calm down about the break up we had a year ago. My dad was furious with Holden after that; I never liked that. Sure, the first few weeks I enjoyed joking around and hearing terrible things about him. After a while I got sick and tired of it. I especially don't like hearing things from people who don't know him or don't understand him. He has always been so kind to me and for that I feel very blessed. I hope that I have been as kind to him as he has to me.