Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I recall my first winter semester at BYU Idaho. Since we didn't have cleaning inspections the apartment was always dirty. People don't want to do things unless they have to. I cleaned. I would clean until 4 AM if I had to. Each morning I would wake up around 11 to head off to class only to find that the apartment was filled with the same mess I spent hours on the previous night. It was stunning how fast the place could get so filthy! Every night I cleaned again still. My roommates never knew, they still don't know just how much work I put into that apartment. One day I caught the flu from another roommate and stopped cleaning after everybody. I cleaned up only after myself only from that time on. Soon afterwards my roommates decided we needed to have a group meeting. Thankfully someone pitched the idea that we should read scriptures before. It helped tremendously with calming people down however there was still tension. I stayed quiet and observed the other's behaviors. Everyone of them that brought forth an idea had one motive behind it: what can I get from all of this? It's sad to think that people only want to do nice things to get something in return. Years later, present time, I find myself doing the exact same thing. Staying up late at night cleaning after people. Thing is this time I've learned my lesson. It's not how many hours spent cleaning or the sacrifice that it takes to do so but the heart that is poured into it. The Savior taught that what we do to the least of our brethren we do to Him. So I'm staying up late again to clean for people who might not even recognize I stayed up late cleaning but I'll know and He'll know. Best part of it all is the peace that I feel when I do these kinds of things for others. I'm not going to get a plaque for this. I'm not going to get cookies or a trophy but I will get peace from knowing that I'm doing what the Savior would do. I'm going to feel His love. I'm going to draw closer to my Savior. That's good enough for me. :)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
I honestly didn't think this internship that I've taken could change me so much. I'm beginning to know what I really want in life and to see things with clearer perception. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to say "not good enough." I'm beginning to want more and to expect more from myself. Many Sundays I've had to go without church. A few months ago I would have been grateful for that but not anymore. It bothers me that I can't go. It's not good enough that I can't go. I want to go to church. I want to take the sacrament. The Lord has also blessed me with a desire to get married one day. I use to talk about how miserable that would make my life and how much I didn't want to have children. Now I see how that would make me happy one day. I'm also learning about the changes I need to make in my life and how I can't let fear run my life. I'm coming to see that the only person any of us can really rely on is the Lord. There's a difference between trusting people and relying on someone. I'm learning to turn to the Savior more and trusting more in His grace. I'm also coming to see the difference between light and dark (in a spiritual sense). If we put our trust in His light it chases away any darkness. Sometimes our decisions put us in the dark but the Lord can take us out of the darkness in the light if we let Him. It requires changing our decisions but it's possible. I didn't do anything huge or serious but I didn't make the greatest decision a while back. I'm beginning to see just how it effected my life. I'm learning to walk away from things that make me eternally miserable.