Sunday, October 28, 2012

Desiring more

I honestly didn't think this internship that I've taken could change me so much.  I'm beginning to know what I really want in life and to see things with clearer perception.  For the first time in my life I'm beginning to say "not good enough."  I'm beginning to want more and to expect more from myself.  Many Sundays I've had to go without church.  A few months ago I would have been grateful for that but not anymore.  It bothers me that I can't go.  It's not good enough that I can't go.  I want to go to church.  I want to take the sacrament.  The Lord has also blessed me with a desire to get married one day.  I use to talk about how miserable that would make my life and how much I didn't want to have children.  Now I see how that would make me happy one day.  I'm also learning about the changes I need to make in my life and how I can't let fear run my life.  I'm coming to see that the only person any of us can really rely on is the Lord.  There's a difference between trusting people and relying on someone.  I'm learning to turn to the Savior more and trusting more in His grace.  I'm also coming to see the difference between light and dark (in a spiritual sense).  If we put our trust in His light it chases away any darkness.  Sometimes our decisions put us in the dark but the Lord can take us out of the darkness in the light if we let Him.  It requires changing our decisions but it's possible.  I didn't do anything huge or serious but I didn't make the greatest decision a while back.  I'm beginning to see just how it effected my life.  I'm learning to walk away from things that make me eternally miserable.

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