Saturday, January 28, 2012

Where has my heart/head led me this time?

I don't know what to think lately. Each path seems to have a dead end. I turn around, wander down another road, and find yet another dead end. I wonder when I will find the road I wish to travel down. I do not envy those who have found their road and are on it right now but I do wish I could also be on my road. I know that I can't turn back from where I once was but that's it. The only lead I have to my future life is that I must progress...progression the wonderfully confusing thing. I've also wondered where my heart has led me and why it has led to dead ends and winding roads only to have to turn around and find a different path. Who knows why this really happens it just does! It's not miserable though; I have plenty of friends, good times, peaceful moments, and laughter to fill my life with happiness and bliss. I'm also getting a good chance to see people for their good qualities. It makes life a wonderful, not complete, but wonderful, joyful experience.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ice and sidewalks

Tonight I went out with some friends. We went sledding, ice skating, and then back to a friend's place where we drank hot chocolate and had a great time. I wanted to get back in time to study for my exam so I left a little early. A good friend of mine (thankfully he came with me) decided to walk me home. I'm okay with guys walking me home especially since I feel safe around them. We were walking along laughing, cracking jokes, and just having a great time. I had this idea (bad idea) to race him. I was joking that I was going faster than he was. The sidewalks were icy and slippery, very slippery. We ice skated down them anyways. At some point I fell. No, I didn't just fall I slammed into the sidewalk. I crashed on my left cheek and for a split second saw a speck of white light. I was conscious but did not want to move. My cheek was in pain and my body was shaking. I wanted to cry but couldn't. My friend kept asking me if I was okay, if I could move, to stand up...stuff like that. It hurt in a shocking way that I just curled up in a ball for a tad. Then I turned over and asked him if my cheek was bleeding. It was. The cheekbone of my face was bleeding. He kept wanting to get me up but I kept not wanting to move. A car came by and some guy offered to give us a lift. Eventually he was able to get me to get up and he helped me get into the car. He was kind enough to pick up what I had dropped as well. I was still shaking the entire time. During the car ride I sparked a conversation with the driver. It was odd and I don't think my responses were all that great but it passed the time. Once he drove me to my house my friend helped me downstairs and into my apartment. He made sure I was okay before leaving and let me know that he was always there if I ever needed help. Then he joked around and told me not to die. Before too long he was gone. I cleaned my wound and sat down still shaking and in pain. I took it easy and didn't study for my exam (the reason I had left early). Of course I went on facebook and people asked if I was okay and such. I was very grateful for friends who looked after me and who are always there should I need them. Honestly I think I was watched over tonight. It could have been a lot worse than what it already was.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Recognizing the past, desiring the future.

The previous night I was in a conversation with a friend of mine. We were talking about the Book of Mormon. I mentioned how I had a hard time reading it because I tend to get lazy and procrastinate or that I am so busy with my daily events I brush it to the side. In my religion class today my teacher taught us that false prophets and people claiming false doctrines would come and it would be so easy to stray away from the truth. He mentioned that even the elect would fall away and that the only ones who would remain on the paths were the ones who treasured up the word of God. I started thinking of my friend who has fallen away from the principles of the gospel. It's scary to think that that could happen to me. That I could be spiritually blinded and not even realize that I have been. The only thing that can prevent this is to treasure up the word of God. My religion teacher gave me the motivation to read my scriptures. Why would I want to put myself into any position where I could deny truth? It just doesn't make any sense not to. I know that I won't be perfect right off the bat; this will take some time to remove old habits and to replace them with better ones. I do think that in the end it will be worth it.

Monday, January 16, 2012

You are loved

Sometimes I think everyone needs that reminder. I went to the grocery store today. Usually I can manage to get home but today I couldn't. As I was walking home my ears felt colder than usual. I was already so hungry that holding heavy items was practically a stupid idea for me. As I was walking I kept praying for a miracle. I said a silent prayer in my head that someone would come by, pick me up, and take me home. I kept spilling off those prayers in my head. Every car that came by I asked myself if that was my miracle. After walking home halfway home I started just praying that I would have the strength to get home. A car took a right turn after it was safe for me to cross I crossed. I saw the car take a u-turn but I kept walking. The driver rolled down the window and said something incredible; "do you need a ride?" Yes, yes I desperately needed a ride. I turned around said that I did. Once I got in the car two guys who were so kind asked me where I lived. I told them and they took me home. They helped me take my groceries inside my apartment. I am so grateful that the Lord answered my prayers when He did and that they came when they did.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Rubbing off

I've had Merritt as a roommate for 3 semesters now. For the longest time she had been the roommate I just didn't want to talk to much but always ended up talking to. I can't remember when she started thanking me for cleaning stuff but every time she saw me cleaning something she always thanked me. Her example must have rubbed off on me because I found myself self-consciously thanking her for taking out the garbage today. I also have noticed that I listen better to people. I found myself wanting to talk more to her and listen to her more. She's actually a pretty cool person! She was making food for dinner and I saw that she was eating something with cheese in it. I was so inspired to make a cheese sandwich. She offered me some hot dog meat to go with it but I politely said no thanks.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A real friend

I am so silly, so so silly. I bottle all of my pains and sorrows until I snap. I have a few reasons why I do this though I don't think it's best to blog them at this time. Today was one of those days that I snapped. Why? Because I saw an old friend I no long consider a's hard enough knowing we aren't friends but seeing her really put everything into pain. I think both of us did/said somethings to each other that really hurt both of us. She saw me, I know she did but it was as if we never met. That was hard. I tried to avoid venting so I became awkward for the rest of the day. Then I broke down, three times. They were all there for me but the first couple of times I couldn't help feeling like I was loosing more friends. The last friend I vented to I felt I wasn't loosing that friend. He joked around and tried to put me into a better mood but he also listened. That helped! I didn't feel like baggage I felt like a real person. Honestly I really needed that right then. I hope that I didn't bring him down. It is a comfort and a blessing to have friends who are like that. It is a blessing to have friends who won't judge me or stop being my friend because I'm struggling and I can't take stuff anymore. That is what a real friend is like.