Not avoiding

I once thought that by keeping people out of my heart and out of my life would save me from heartache. I did everything I could possibly think of to avoid it because I knew that someone would hurt me and I didn't want that so I avoided. Problem is it kept me from forming precious friendships. I've come to learn that it's better to let people in. If they leave or if I have to walk away it's not the end of the world. I always wish them the best with their lives but I've learned that sometimes it's necessary to say goodbye. I've had to say goodbye many times but something else that I've learned is I never have to say goodbye to my Savior. One of my favorite scriptures is from 2 Thessalonians 3:16 "Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord be with you all." He's not going anywhere. We may push Him out but He will always be there. To me that's peace.

Coming home for the break

Coming home for the break has been overwhelming. Lots of stuff happened though it's probably best I didn't blog them. It has made me think a lot though. The question that is presented is what is truly important? What can I do to improve these circumstances? It has also made me think that I should be happy for what I have regardless of how much or how little I really have but the fact that I have something. It also made me think that I shouldn't be sad that those things are gone but rejoice that I once had them. Enjoy the moments that today provides for tomorrow they may or may not be there. Take advantage of the glorious opportunities that are provided right now. Prepare for tomorrow for tomorrow the rain comes and winds that can blow the roof off the unprepared. Forgive the unforgivable for they have lives themselves. Don't worry about tomorrow just take what comes and work with what you've got. Whatever happens remember who you are, a son/daughter of God, and act accordingly. What others say about me ultimately is not important at all. The only person whose opinion and judgments really matter is Christ. Take time to breathe and relax. Life has and is teaching me these simple things.

Fairy tale thoughts

The other day I was watching princess movies and movies about heroes just to waste time until I can go home. I had a thought while I was watching these films. Life is the fairy tale. Our doubts and fears are our evil step sisters/mothers. Our fairy godmothers are our friends who help us along the way. The prince represents our dreams and aspirations. Suddenly our Cinderella dream is different and what is desirable are friends and the courage to chase after our dreams. I put it on facebook and honestly the comments surprised me. One friend jokingly said, "And then the evil queen comes, puts a curse on all of us, and takes away all of our happy endings." He was making reference to a t.v. show Once Upon a Time. I commented, there is one who can save us all...hence, life is the fairy tale. His reply, "And then Snow White's daughter showed us, destroys the curse, kills the evil queen/mayor, and saves us all." To which I responded by, then its back to reality...
Point is there are so many things that can be seen from a different angle. We can apply gospel truths to so many things, even fairy tales. It's amazing!

At any rate...

I must admit I had an amazing semester! I learned that when I do the little things the bigger things fall into place the way they are suppose to. Now that I am at a close of this semester I have a few regrets, mostly that I wish I was studying all along so I would be less stressed during this final week. I am also starting to doubt whether or not I should be a physical therapist. Every time I hear the piano I instantly feel drawn to it. The piano has me mesmerized and intrigued. It feels as if I am at one with the keys and funny thing is I have no idea how to play but its almost as if my heart knows exactly which notes to play. Right now hearing the piano is the only things that is getting me through everything. I feel transported into another realm. It is like the notes carry me into a brand new world where I feel safe, loved, like I belong, like nothing else matters...
I've been wondering lately if I I could ever be in a relationship let alone become engaged or heavens married. It always seems as if they aren't good enough or I'm not good enough. Honestly it is becoming the most depressing thing seeing all these people dating or engaged. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, I really am. I wish them nothing but good luck and no I'm not jealous. I think jealousy is stupid. I just wish it would happen to me too but I want it to happen when I'm ready for it and it is the right person at the right time. My motive for this is quite different than most. I don't really feel like I belong in a family but on rare occasions or with certain people who feel like family. I've always desired that and wanted to know what it really felt like to come home and see my family. Everyone present, everyone loving. At the same time I realize that wishing for something is foolish because I've been given so many things in life and I should just be grateful that I have what I have. Seriously! There are people starving in Africa and yet I can go into my kitchen and have a choice of what to eat. Some people are being sexually harassed and yet I have the blessing of being safe from that. Many people never have the chance for a good education and yet here I am at BYU Idaho getting possibly some of the finest education and I take it for granted. I do blame myself for not being able to attract someone worthwhile. I know it's silly but I see people as their strengths, not so much what they lack (depending on what it is). I see them and think if only I were more like them then I would be complete. People always have to step in and fix or correct me. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't get an opinion on anything, like I'm a child or something. And I do the stupidest thing, I let them. No, they don't control me but they treat me like I'm a child and to avoid and argument I let them. When I get an opinion no one ever agrees with me and I can't get them to see my point of view because I lack words to express what I truly feel. I've also come to realize that I tend to get scared of the truth. Many times I feel that I have to hide my feelings for whatever it may be or my opinions or my day at the sake of someone else not because I have anything to hide. I don't like seeing people worry about me or people think they have to correct my principles (so sick of that) or people looking at me differently because I see things in a different light. I suppose that's why I'm not too much of a judgmental person. I give my opinions freely yet I hold a lot of them back out of fear. Oh fear, that stupid stupid thing! It holds the best of us back, we let it, and then wonder what has gone wrong in our lives. I've also found that when I do tell others what I'm truly thinking or feeling they stay with me for a short period of time and then they are gone. Vanished. I'm tired of the cycle! I want real friends who don't up and leave when things get hard; real friends or bust. What does this have to do with anything? Idk, you decide, I'm merely venting.
At any rate I've decided that, for now at least, that the most important thing in my life right now is my education. It can open so many doors.

Fall 2011

This semester has come and gone. It has been the best semester of my life! I have had so many great times, met so many wonderful people, done so many new and challenging things it's hard to cope with the fact that it's ending. It's even harder coping with the fact that I have to go back to where I came from. I don't want to give this place up. I don't want to give these times away. I know that they are mine to cherish forever but I want nothing more than to relive them again. I want it to start all over again, from the very beginning. It feels like a wrinkle in time. It feels like I'm starting to wake up and jump back into reality. I want nothing more than to fall asleep again. I don't want new memories I want to keep reliving the old ones. I just want this all to come back. I don't want to face what I have to face again. I know that I'm complaining and I hate complaining but this has been the best times of my life, literally! I don't think I've felt so much at ease, so much peace, so much love in my life!

Does it really matter?

I've thought about all the people in my life who have told me that I can't and I'm not good enough. I found this song and when I hear it to me it says does it really matter what they say? What really matters is how you view yourself and how God views you too. "Wouldn't want to be anybody else. You made me insecure, told me I wasn't good enough. But who are you to judge when you're a diamond in the rough. I'm sure you've got some things you'd like to change about yourself but when it comes to me I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I'm not beauty queen I'm just beautiful me. You got every right to a beautiful life come one. Who says? Who says your not perfect? Who says you're not worth it? Who says you're the only one who's heard it? Trust me that's the price of beauty who says you're not pretty? Who says you're not beautiful? Who says?"
I've also found it's better to forgive those who have said those things and to try to see their side. It's so much easier and life seems to go by better.