Monday, December 12, 2011

At any rate...

I must admit I had an amazing semester! I learned that when I do the little things the bigger things fall into place the way they are suppose to. Now that I am at a close of this semester I have a few regrets, mostly that I wish I was studying all along so I would be less stressed during this final week. I am also starting to doubt whether or not I should be a physical therapist. Every time I hear the piano I instantly feel drawn to it. The piano has me mesmerized and intrigued. It feels as if I am at one with the keys and funny thing is I have no idea how to play but its almost as if my heart knows exactly which notes to play. Right now hearing the piano is the only things that is getting me through everything. I feel transported into another realm. It is like the notes carry me into a brand new world where I feel safe, loved, like I belong, like nothing else matters...
I've been wondering lately if I I could ever be in a relationship let alone become engaged or heavens married. It always seems as if they aren't good enough or I'm not good enough. Honestly it is becoming the most depressing thing seeing all these people dating or engaged. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, I really am. I wish them nothing but good luck and no I'm not jealous. I think jealousy is stupid. I just wish it would happen to me too but I want it to happen when I'm ready for it and it is the right person at the right time. My motive for this is quite different than most. I don't really feel like I belong in a family but on rare occasions or with certain people who feel like family. I've always desired that and wanted to know what it really felt like to come home and see my family. Everyone present, everyone loving. At the same time I realize that wishing for something is foolish because I've been given so many things in life and I should just be grateful that I have what I have. Seriously! There are people starving in Africa and yet I can go into my kitchen and have a choice of what to eat. Some people are being sexually harassed and yet I have the blessing of being safe from that. Many people never have the chance for a good education and yet here I am at BYU Idaho getting possibly some of the finest education and I take it for granted. I do blame myself for not being able to attract someone worthwhile. I know it's silly but I see people as their strengths, not so much what they lack (depending on what it is). I see them and think if only I were more like them then I would be complete. People always have to step in and fix or correct me. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't get an opinion on anything, like I'm a child or something. And I do the stupidest thing, I let them. No, they don't control me but they treat me like I'm a child and to avoid and argument I let them. When I get an opinion no one ever agrees with me and I can't get them to see my point of view because I lack words to express what I truly feel. I've also come to realize that I tend to get scared of the truth. Many times I feel that I have to hide my feelings for whatever it may be or my opinions or my day at the sake of someone else not because I have anything to hide. I don't like seeing people worry about me or people think they have to correct my principles (so sick of that) or people looking at me differently because I see things in a different light. I suppose that's why I'm not too much of a judgmental person. I give my opinions freely yet I hold a lot of them back out of fear. Oh fear, that stupid stupid thing! It holds the best of us back, we let it, and then wonder what has gone wrong in our lives. I've also found that when I do tell others what I'm truly thinking or feeling they stay with me for a short period of time and then they are gone. Vanished. I'm tired of the cycle! I want real friends who don't up and leave when things get hard; real friends or bust. What does this have to do with anything? Idk, you decide, I'm merely venting.
At any rate I've decided that, for now at least, that the most important thing in my life right now is my education. It can open so many doors.

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