Sometimes

I was at FHE tonight. It was a lot of fun! I met some awesome people and had loads of great times! We started to talk about families and strengthening our lives. I enjoyed the lesson a lot! I made a few comments myself. There came a point when I felt inadequate and lost like I did in high school. All those old feelings started to come back. I suppose it happens that people lose confidence in themselves when thinking about terrible times. Thinking about it I wonder why a daughter of God (me) would allow herself to think this way? I'm not the same person anymore and I've confronted so many things that have held me back. I understand that I am not perfect. I think Satan is aware that I have accomplished so much and is trying very hard to stop me in my tracks. Yes, it is very important for someone to have self-confidence. I'm not letting it stop me from accomplishing what I want to achieve in this life and certainly not the next. So yeah, from time to time I won't feel the best about myself, it happens, but I won't let it stop me! I know who I am and I know where I've come from. I am a daughter of God. He has a plan for me as He does for you. I have faith that through Him anything is possible, I just have to believe that it is ;)

I'm trying

I have been avoiding dating this semester. Personally all I wanted to do was serve people. I want to become a physical therapist and travel the world volunteering and helping people recover. The Lord has other plans for me; plans I want to put off and maybe even not do. I was listening to general conference and my question was answered...I need to date this semester. I'm still struggling with this because personally I don't want to date. I just want to hang out with friends, get my schoolwork done, and become a physical therapist. Those are my goals right now. I am trying to not be so close minded about this new change because I've noticed when I would be close minded about this topic I would have problems with the gospel. Why? My assumption is that I placed myself into a position where I can't receive revelation because I turned myself off to hearing the Lord. I am happiest when I am serving the Lord. Otherwise I just get angry with life and myself.

Feeling overwhelmed

Lately it seems like every guy wants to date me. I'm not sure why all of a sudden guys want to date me but they do. I even had a friend who I never would have suspected to tell me that he had liked me for a long time. This has bothered me a great deal lately. People have said that if it happened to them they would be flattered but I'm not flattered I'm scared half to death. I started attracting some guys who do not fit the standards I have set. This made me seriously think that the reason I was attracting these guys was because there was something wrong with me. It may seem like twisted logic however after constantly being liked by some interesting people you would probably begin to wonder the same thing. Personally I don't want to date especially after seeing the guys who are attracted to me. For a while I probably won't date because I need time. During that time I hope to grow closer to my Heavenly Father. I hate it that I had to hurt some guys because I can't date them but I don't feel bad that I am trying to do what the Lord would have me to do. I've learned what is really important and what is not. I am continuing to learn this lesson but I am very grateful that I am learning it this way than to another and to have my feelings severely wounded.

So amazed!

While I was at work I saw the light of Christ in a few people. One man held a lady's books. In return she bought him one of his books. There have been a lot of other really awesome stories that I have been able to witness while working in the bookstore. I also volunteered at a local physical therapy place. I feel so honored that I was able to have that experience. Each week for one month I had the privilege of seeing people just helping people. No questions asked! Whatever was needed they did it. Not only that but they noticed the good qualities of others and were very polite.
The message that I want to relate is that it doesn't where, when, how, why, or to what extent any of us are in we can serve others and be Christlike towards others. "Savior may I learn to love Thee. Walk the path that thou hast shown. Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own. Savior, may I learn to love thee Lord, I would follow Thee. Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow Thee. I would be my brother's keeper; I would learn the healer's art. To the wounded and the weary I would show a gentle heart. I would be my brother's keeper. Lord, I would follow Thee. Savior, may I love my brother as I know Thou lovest me. Find in Thee my strength, my beacon, for Thy servant I would be. Savior, may I love my brother. Lord, I would follow Thee."

Feeling blessed

Growing up I never appreciated or even thought that I could feel such love towards my family like this. After my parents divorced I thought that my life was doomed as was my family. I didn't think that my family could ever be a family. I was wrong. My family isn't together technically but recently I've learned that, with my circumstance, that's not really what's important. The point is that my family, no matter where we are, is still my family.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was taught that families can be eternal. I was also taught that there are three degrees of glory, the celestial kingdom being the highest. In order to get there one must live as Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to live through His prophets and through the scriptures. The highest degree in this kingdom is where the families are. I never dreamed that I could possibly be a part of that because of my special family. Recently I have come to the knowledge that I can.
I went to tell my little sister something late at night. It ended up becoming a three hour conversation. I realized how much I loved her. Then I began thinking. I can't imagine this life or the next life or any other life without her. I realized that night how much I really love her. Then after my mom, my little sister, and I read from the scriptures and said our prayers I went into my mom's room to spend time with her. We read a story like we did the night before. What was different was my little sister wasn't there this time so I was able to spend some time with my mom. While we were reading I could really feel the love my mom has for me. I can't picture eternal life without her. My family isn't normal, some might say we're special. I say that the thing that makes us special is the fact that we love each other no matter what. I love how much love there is in my family, my special family. I can honestly say that I am very grateful for my Savior and for Him putting us together. I have learned so much from them but the thing that I'm most grateful for is the love that I feel when I am around them. I know that Jesus is the Christ and that He loves each of us. I know that He knows what He is doing though at times it doesn't seem that way. I also know that if anyone will put their trust in Him He will perform miracles in their lives sometimes not as expected.

Opinions

People have their opinions. Sometimes they are positive sometimes they are negative. Should we really let what they say get to us? My opinion is no they shouldn't. Personally whatever Our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost say should matter and they are the only opinions that should matter. I also think that anyone He has called to an authority over us matters as well. I have come to realize that. I don't care what others think. I care about being kind and helping others than what they are thinking. People say things to defend themselves but when Christ speaks it's not to defend but to help. Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Some of the hardest things in life are to ignore spiteful criticism, stay positive about life, follow the teachings of His gospel, and keep moving forward with faith. I know this to be true.

Having no more desire to do evil

This last semester has been extremely tough and challenging for me. To compare it to life it felt like turning on burner on a stove with your hand on it. At first it's not so bad then things heat up. The challenge to keep your hand on the stove becomes impossible. It's a bad analogy I know but it's the best description I could think of to describe how that semester felt for me. Everything bad that I could think of happened. I must admit I am not a perfect person and didn't hang in as best I should have. My old roommate and such an awesome friend of mine grew quite concerned for me after a while. She knew I was under a lot of pressure and such but was there for me. I am so grateful for her being there when I needed someone. I am also so grateful for my other friends who were there for me. Anyways, when I got home I was still struggling with life for quite some time after until I got an email from one of my friends who is on his mission right now. He has no idea that I went through a rough rough semester. After I got that email I had a desire to read my scriptures and about a week later I did. Then I started praying again. Strange thing happened after that...I actually felt better. Yeah, I had to admit to myself that I knew things weren't going to change much in life and my life won't instantly change because I did but it made me feel better. I know that my life will not be perfect and for now at least I will have to go through many challenges but I know that I don't have to suffer anymore inside because I go through so much. Christ suffered on the cross not only to atone for our sins but also so He can understand what people like me go through. He won't take away others agency but He can heal us inside and out. Yeah, people will make their choices and it's going to be tough but He can take the pain away, first we have to believe that He can. I am learning and probably will learn my entire life that bad things will happen to good people but it is what we do with it that matters most. I don't have to be bitter about my life and I don't have to see the negative side to life either because in all honesty even though the glass is half empty it's also half full. I can focus on the good or the bad. I must admit I have become a better person. I'm still talking to my friend who is out on his mission and it has been quite a joy to hear from him. He comes home in less than three months and I hope that I get to see him sometime.