The search for happiness

Yes, this title is a bit misleading because honestly we don't have to search for happiness because if we are truly looking we will find happiness in just about anything.  There is always good to anything.  What I mean to go at is the search to find that right person for whoever it may be.  There have been a few times that I've thought that I really loved a person and truth is I didn't.  I just loved the idea of being in love than I was actually in love.  I remember talking with elders and they gave me a scripture that helped me put things into perspective.  The message of the scripture is good things come from God and inspire us to become better.  I think it's the same way with people.  People who inspire you to be your best self and to become better are a gift from God.  This idea made me think about dating and whether to determine who I should date or not date (and yes I do believe it's important to be picky about dating; really, do you want to tell your kids "well I just dated this random guy here and yeah" NO, YOU DON'T!)  Is this person a real friend?  Is this person honest?  Will this person inspire you to become a better person?  Those are better feelings to have than just well he/she was a body and yeah.  Honestly the media just portrays love as making out or holding hands.  Yes, they're good things but honestly real love comes from being respected.  Real love comes from never having to worry that the other person will do the right thing.  Real love comes from friendship because once the romance fades what will you have to fall back on?

Ice demon

Did I ever tell you the time I defeated an ice demon?  My squire, Dallin, came along to confuse the dragon with his randomness.  Dallin tried to do a random dance move he never attempted before...the distraction wasn't enough.  Bongo, I've decided to name the dragon Bongo, could not believe he had missed a step and was not distracted at all.  Then it was me, Bongo, and the blistering cold.  I fought my hardest to slay the dragon and threw my sword at Bongo.  Let's not get dramatic my sword didn't hit it however it did scare him off.  The dragon flew away and his tail knocked me to the ground.  My cheek was sore for a while but at least I caused the town to be safe for now at least.
Ha ha lol.  I was coming home from a party early so I could study for tomorrow's test.  Dallin and I were goofing off sliding down ice.  I fell and hit my left cheek (it was a pretty epic fall if I do say so myself...I did a full 180 twist and face planted the sidewalk).  Dallin and some random person (thank you random person) helped me get home.

Post Traumatic Stress

Slowly I'm finally becoming okay with being labeled as having post traumatic stress.  I've been through a lot of extreme situations.  The more that I learn about it the more that I understand myself a bit better and why I do the things that I do.  I want to share an email I received regarding the tragic shooting that occurred recently.  I hope this brings awareness that post traumatic stress is real and it can have some intense effects on kids as well as adults.  I also hope that by bringing awareness to this someone somewhere will be greatly benefited one day.

"It is not uncommon for children (and adults) of all ages to experience features of acute or post-traumatic stress, even for those who witness the event remotely through media. The key features include: remembering, emotional numbing (for post-traumatic stress), and arousal. For remembering, many kids will have frightening flashbacks, or sometimes in younger children vague images of horror that they cannot describe. These images may interrupt sleep or intrude into the day. Some kids will react by regressed behavior such as clinging, and it is just fine to keep them close and allow this. After all, they need to feel attached! For other kids, they may shut down and avoid contact. While parents should not force physical contact, they should not leave them alone, but stay close, and try to engage them in playful and caring ways.

Many children and adults will demonstrate signs of “arousal” such as rapid heartbeat; feelings of panic or “impending doom”; rapid breathing, nausea, sweating. This is the “fight or flight” response well known in situations of extreme danger. It may, in fact, come on in response to thinking about such an event. Some kids will not be able to sleep, and want to be with their parents. This is one situation when bringing them into the bedroom, either into bed, or setting up a cot is called for. For others, sleeping together in a common room may work. The important thing is to stay close.

In the next few days to weeks some younger children may “re-enact” the event through play. They may play out games of shootings, people getting hurt, dying or taken to the hospital. Such play in younger children is normal and should be allowed, though it is really hard for many adults to tolerate it! But the important point is that kids work out their emotional conflicts through playing. This is a healthy response and assists their coping.

For younger children, turn off the TV! Remember, they may think the images and videos that are going to be continually covered by the media may mean these things are happening over and over. It may also increase their emotional distress, just as it will certainly increase the reactions of adults."

Granted this email was regarding to the tragic shooting however it is still has good information about PTS, post traumatic stress.  My heart goes out to those families who have suffered from this event and will suffer from this event.  I hope somehow they find comfort through these difficult times. 

Family matters

Regardless of what has happened in my life and regardless of how messed up my family is they are always there for me.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to feel wanted by so many different people, how many times my heart has been broken when a friend would leave or I'd have to leave a friend.  I can't tell you  how many times someone has broken my heart but I can tell you that my family wants to be there for me through it all.  Now they are super clingy with their affection but in a way that's comforting to me; people want my attention.  So that's my ultimate Christmas gift this year, the gift of being wanted.

You deserve happiness!

Have you ever felt like you didn't deserve happiness?  Like everyone around you is entitled to happiness except you?  Well that is a vicious, destructive lie!  If our bodies are really temples shouldn't we treat our insides or how we feel about ourselves just as important as our outsides?  I think that everyone at some point or another feels this way.  I know that lately I've felt very much this way; that I just don't deserve happiness because others don't want me to be happy.  I like the analogy of our bodies being temples.  For those of you who don't know what a temple is it is a house of the Lord where sacred ordinances are performed.  These ordinances allow the Lord's work to continue for the living as well as the deceased.  Something that is very interesting about temples is it is treated with the highest respect.  If you look at any temple you will see how clean it is.  The inside of a temple is clean as well.  Why?  Because they know that the work that takes place inside is sacred.  They know the value and worth of a temple.  We are glorious beings who are capable of so much.  We are all worth something.  We are all beautiful.  Sometimes it's difficult to see that past whatever may be going on at the time.  Nevertheless it's true.
Everyday I learn something new.  It may be something small but everyday I learn.

Once Again

I recall my first winter semester at BYU Idaho.  Since we didn't have cleaning inspections the apartment was always dirty.  People don't want to do things unless they have to.  I cleaned.  I would clean until 4 AM if I had to.  Each morning I would wake up around 11 to head off to class only to find that the apartment was filled with the same mess I spent hours on the previous night.  It was stunning how fast the place could get so filthy!  Every night I cleaned again still.  My roommates never knew, they still don't know just how much work I put into that apartment.  One day I caught the flu from another roommate and stopped cleaning after everybody.  I cleaned up only after myself only from that time on.  Soon afterwards my roommates decided we needed to have a group meeting.  Thankfully someone pitched the idea that we should read scriptures before.  It helped tremendously with calming people down however there was still tension.  I stayed quiet and observed the other's behaviors.  Everyone of them that brought forth an idea had one motive behind it: what can I get from all of this?  It's sad to think that people only want to do nice things to get something in return.  Years later, present time, I find myself doing the exact same thing.  Staying up late at night cleaning after people.  Thing is this time I've learned my lesson.  It's not how many hours spent cleaning or the sacrifice that it takes to do so but the heart that is poured into it.  The Savior taught that what we do to the least of our brethren we do to Him.  So I'm staying up late again to clean for people who might not even recognize I stayed up late cleaning but I'll know and He'll know.  Best part of it all is the peace that I feel when I do these kinds of things for others.  I'm not going to get a plaque for this.  I'm not going to get cookies or a trophy but I will get peace from knowing that I'm doing what the Savior would do.  I'm going to feel His love.  I'm going to draw closer to my Savior.  That's good enough for me.  :)

Desiring more

I honestly didn't think this internship that I've taken could change me so much.  I'm beginning to know what I really want in life and to see things with clearer perception.  For the first time in my life I'm beginning to say "not good enough."  I'm beginning to want more and to expect more from myself.  Many Sundays I've had to go without church.  A few months ago I would have been grateful for that but not anymore.  It bothers me that I can't go.  It's not good enough that I can't go.  I want to go to church.  I want to take the sacrament.  The Lord has also blessed me with a desire to get married one day.  I use to talk about how miserable that would make my life and how much I didn't want to have children.  Now I see how that would make me happy one day.  I'm also learning about the changes I need to make in my life and how I can't let fear run my life.  I'm coming to see that the only person any of us can really rely on is the Lord.  There's a difference between trusting people and relying on someone.  I'm learning to turn to the Savior more and trusting more in His grace.  I'm also coming to see the difference between light and dark (in a spiritual sense).  If we put our trust in His light it chases away any darkness.  Sometimes our decisions put us in the dark but the Lord can take us out of the darkness in the light if we let Him.  It requires changing our decisions but it's possible.  I didn't do anything huge or serious but I didn't make the greatest decision a while back.  I'm beginning to see just how it effected my life.  I'm learning to walk away from things that make me eternally miserable.