Homesick sometimes

Sometimes I just miss home. I can't help but think about summer days sitting outside of my house in the heat watching cars drive by. I can't help but think about the cotton fields, deep southern accents, spending time with my dad or my little sister, having dinners with my grandparents, and oh the food! How I miss the food! I just miss the environment I grew up around. Sometimes I wish I could combine my new life with a bit of the old. That would be perfect! I don't mean to complain about anything, life is good. It's just sometimes you miss home a bit. I am so grateful for the opportunities I have had to live where I did, even though it wasn't perfect.

Overcoming rather than being overcome

I've noticed lately how many times in my life I have limited my capacities. There are many times when I would refuse to be open minded. Point is I found out that I would stop my growth as a person and as a daughter of God when I would do so. I wanted to not date anymore so I could stop feeling hurt and other emotions associated with dating. After one talk in General Conference I knew that I needed to start dating. The second I made this decision peace came. I can keep moving towards my goals in life in the meantime while I wait for a normal date. I know now that by not dating I cannot become like my Heavenly Father because in order to become like Him I need to have a family of my own. One of the beginning steps to this is dating.

Let me put my perspective on this using an analogy. Think of life as one big hike up a mountain. We are given some basic instructions about how to stay safe, where to go, and broad knowledge of how to get there. We are let loose to find a way to get up the mountain. Along the way we get bits and pieces of information about what to do, which path to take, and what to avoid. Imagine you were just given a small direction of a specific turn to take. You look at it and the trail seems impossible to go up. You stop. You'll say something like, "I'm not going up that way, it scares me." Maybe you've even said, "I've had bad experiences before with paths like this. I've learned my lesson." Maybe you even said, "No." You refuse to go any further up the mountain. This is just like life. In the pre-existence we were given some knowledge and basic instructions and given the opportunity to become like our Heavenly Father. We start the trail. Sometimes we are given directions and told to go this way or that way. What if we look up the mountain and say, "I'm not going up that way, it scares me" or "I've had bad experiences before with paths like this. I've learned my lesson" or even "no." What happens then? We stop. We no longer gain anything but stay where we are. My friend Braden has a wonderful philosophy which goes along quite well with this. He said, "if you do what you have always done you will get what you have always gotten." I think it is important to be open minded about things that the Lord says, regardless of what has happened or what could happen or anything else for that matter.

I have been trying very hard to keep an open mind about what the Savior wants me to do in my life. Sometimes I want to say I can't. I know that for every I can't He is telling me I can.

Sometimes

I was at FHE tonight. It was a lot of fun! I met some awesome people and had loads of great times! We started to talk about families and strengthening our lives. I enjoyed the lesson a lot! I made a few comments myself. There came a point when I felt inadequate and lost like I did in high school. All those old feelings started to come back. I suppose it happens that people lose confidence in themselves when thinking about terrible times. Thinking about it I wonder why a daughter of God (me) would allow herself to think this way? I'm not the same person anymore and I've confronted so many things that have held me back. I understand that I am not perfect. I think Satan is aware that I have accomplished so much and is trying very hard to stop me in my tracks. Yes, it is very important for someone to have self-confidence. I'm not letting it stop me from accomplishing what I want to achieve in this life and certainly not the next. So yeah, from time to time I won't feel the best about myself, it happens, but I won't let it stop me! I know who I am and I know where I've come from. I am a daughter of God. He has a plan for me as He does for you. I have faith that through Him anything is possible, I just have to believe that it is ;)

I'm trying

I have been avoiding dating this semester. Personally all I wanted to do was serve people. I want to become a physical therapist and travel the world volunteering and helping people recover. The Lord has other plans for me; plans I want to put off and maybe even not do. I was listening to general conference and my question was answered...I need to date this semester. I'm still struggling with this because personally I don't want to date. I just want to hang out with friends, get my schoolwork done, and become a physical therapist. Those are my goals right now. I am trying to not be so close minded about this new change because I've noticed when I would be close minded about this topic I would have problems with the gospel. Why? My assumption is that I placed myself into a position where I can't receive revelation because I turned myself off to hearing the Lord. I am happiest when I am serving the Lord. Otherwise I just get angry with life and myself.

Feeling overwhelmed

Lately it seems like every guy wants to date me. I'm not sure why all of a sudden guys want to date me but they do. I even had a friend who I never would have suspected to tell me that he had liked me for a long time. This has bothered me a great deal lately. People have said that if it happened to them they would be flattered but I'm not flattered I'm scared half to death. I started attracting some guys who do not fit the standards I have set. This made me seriously think that the reason I was attracting these guys was because there was something wrong with me. It may seem like twisted logic however after constantly being liked by some interesting people you would probably begin to wonder the same thing. Personally I don't want to date especially after seeing the guys who are attracted to me. For a while I probably won't date because I need time. During that time I hope to grow closer to my Heavenly Father. I hate it that I had to hurt some guys because I can't date them but I don't feel bad that I am trying to do what the Lord would have me to do. I've learned what is really important and what is not. I am continuing to learn this lesson but I am very grateful that I am learning it this way than to another and to have my feelings severely wounded.

So amazed!

While I was at work I saw the light of Christ in a few people. One man held a lady's books. In return she bought him one of his books. There have been a lot of other really awesome stories that I have been able to witness while working in the bookstore. I also volunteered at a local physical therapy place. I feel so honored that I was able to have that experience. Each week for one month I had the privilege of seeing people just helping people. No questions asked! Whatever was needed they did it. Not only that but they noticed the good qualities of others and were very polite.
The message that I want to relate is that it doesn't where, when, how, why, or to what extent any of us are in we can serve others and be Christlike towards others. "Savior may I learn to love Thee. Walk the path that thou hast shown. Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own. Savior, may I learn to love thee Lord, I would follow Thee. Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow Thee. I would be my brother's keeper; I would learn the healer's art. To the wounded and the weary I would show a gentle heart. I would be my brother's keeper. Lord, I would follow Thee. Savior, may I love my brother as I know Thou lovest me. Find in Thee my strength, my beacon, for Thy servant I would be. Savior, may I love my brother. Lord, I would follow Thee."

Feeling blessed

Growing up I never appreciated or even thought that I could feel such love towards my family like this. After my parents divorced I thought that my life was doomed as was my family. I didn't think that my family could ever be a family. I was wrong. My family isn't together technically but recently I've learned that, with my circumstance, that's not really what's important. The point is that my family, no matter where we are, is still my family.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was taught that families can be eternal. I was also taught that there are three degrees of glory, the celestial kingdom being the highest. In order to get there one must live as Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to live through His prophets and through the scriptures. The highest degree in this kingdom is where the families are. I never dreamed that I could possibly be a part of that because of my special family. Recently I have come to the knowledge that I can.
I went to tell my little sister something late at night. It ended up becoming a three hour conversation. I realized how much I loved her. Then I began thinking. I can't imagine this life or the next life or any other life without her. I realized that night how much I really love her. Then after my mom, my little sister, and I read from the scriptures and said our prayers I went into my mom's room to spend time with her. We read a story like we did the night before. What was different was my little sister wasn't there this time so I was able to spend some time with my mom. While we were reading I could really feel the love my mom has for me. I can't picture eternal life without her. My family isn't normal, some might say we're special. I say that the thing that makes us special is the fact that we love each other no matter what. I love how much love there is in my family, my special family. I can honestly say that I am very grateful for my Savior and for Him putting us together. I have learned so much from them but the thing that I'm most grateful for is the love that I feel when I am around them. I know that Jesus is the Christ and that He loves each of us. I know that He knows what He is doing though at times it doesn't seem that way. I also know that if anyone will put their trust in Him He will perform miracles in their lives sometimes not as expected.