Quote to live by

"I have cheated on with my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged with my faith and now...I'm marrying my dreams." -author unknown

I am beginning to see my life in this way. I want nothing to do with my doubts and my fears but with my faith and my dreams.

Shining

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-Nelson Mandela

Changing plans

Yesterday as I was blogging I found a better place to go to than over at Holden's place. Yes, I am always welcome over there and I greatly appreciate it, I really do but I know that it's not the best place for me to linger around. It's just a temporary place to visit. Last night as I was blogging a new friend of mine, Ali, is okay if I come over anytime unannounced or announced to hang out over there. This is great because usually anytime I go over to visit someone it is almost always unannounced. Next semester David will be back as well as Dallin, Darren, Keagan, and some of my other really good friends. The problem is that Caimon will be coming back. I will have all these other people but still if we are put in the same room things will turn ugly fast. I can almost guarantee that next semester I won't hear from Holden again. I'm not sure that I like the idea but I've already come to accept the fact that he isn't a part of my life anymore. I really do wish that we never dated a year ago so we could be friends but hey that's life. Lately I've been talking to Ethan. He's a sweet guy. Sometimes it's really hard talking to him though but he's sweet nevertheless. I'm glad and worried about the fact that he is sweet. Even through all this recent complications in life, life is still going good. I am really enjoying my classes (more than I should maybe...is that even possible?). Every Friday I look forward to doing something fun. I know that my past does not define me but rather somewhere that has helped me get to the place I am today. I'm very glad that I have made so many good choices to help me get here today. I anticipate the chances I will have in the future to fulfill my dreams. I can't wait for that day I can become a physical therapist, travel the world, and become the person I want to become. :D Until then I continue to find my way, feeling sunlight. ;)

Safe feelings

Monday night I became scared of all that has been happening lately. I went into a panic mode and it's been really hard to get out of. I can't really explain it because it's hard to. It has been really helpful to get a plan and to go places I have felt safe. One of the few places I am finding comfort in is visiting Holden. I only visit when I absolutely have to. It sounds really weird that of all places to go I would visit my ex boyfriend. Some might think that I have feelings or that I want to get back together. I don't. Yes, I do care about him and want the best for him but I don't want to get back together again. Why then would I be around him then? Because I am trying to feel some safety right now and I know that I am safe around him. That is why I am around him. It's only temporary. Every time I leave that place I get a confirmation of three beautiful words, "You are safe." Words that are super comforting and words that I desperately need to hear. It's odd how the Spirit can work in mysterious ways. It's also helped my family calm down about the break up we had a year ago. My dad was furious with Holden after that; I never liked that. Sure, the first few weeks I enjoyed joking around and hearing terrible things about him. After a while I got sick and tired of it. I especially don't like hearing things from people who don't know him or don't understand him. He has always been so kind to me and for that I feel very blessed. I hope that I have been as kind to him as he has to me.

Grateful

I got really scared because of some of the guys that I have been around haven't been the greatest. I felt threatened by them and it put me into a panic attack. I went over to my ex-boyfriend's place because I was really spooked. Poor guy I must have seemed really strange because I was really really scared. He sat there, listened, and let me vent. Somehow he managed to do that while playing video games. It felt really good to get it all out and to sort some things out. He listened. I was really glad to have someone listen who cares about me. This sounds strange that I would go to my ex-boyfriend of all people to go to. Even though he is my ex-boyfriend I know that he is a good person. I've always seemed to get along with him. Before I left he told me that I was always welcome to come over. I could tell that he meant it. Anyways when I left I had this strong feeling "you are safe." That was all I needed to know. The fact that I am safe is the only thing that I needed to know tonight. I am so grateful that I was able to go somewhere tonight where I felt safe. I'm not sure how many times I will have to go over there but at least I know that there is somewhere that I can go to to feel safe and secure. It is such a blessing to me.

Tis my life

For many years of my life I had been dreaming and hoping that one day I would get married. I thought that it could one day solve my problems and one day I really wanted to know what it felt like to be a part of a family. I no longer desire that. Yes that may sound terrible to some people but I'm tired of thinking I have found him and realizing he isn't even close to what I want. Some may say I'm too picky or whatever. Yeah I am. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be. I am content with where I am at right now and the direction I am traveling in. I really have no desire to get married but I know that that is not what the Lord wants at all. I want to become a great physical therapist, help millions, and travel the world. I want to go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead. No where in my plan is the concept of marriage but again that is not what the Lord wants me to entirely do. I'm trying to be open minded about dating but with everything that I know I somehow won't allow myself to. I know that I have been blogging about it a lot but this is like my secret outlet. I honestly don't think too many people view my blog (or even know I have one) and if you are a vivid reader I apologize that I am so repetitive in my writing. This sort of stuff has been on my mind lately (could you ever guess?). I feel so distracted from my schoolwork and from other things because the whole thing is just pressuring.

Changing topics I am now almost reaching my goal in receiving all A's this semester :D I am hoping soon to take up fencing. I want to do several new things this semester while I'm out here. I've been working hard on my positive attitude (I think I'm succeeding in some ways) and I'm also working on trying to be a better roommate as well as a better daughter of God. Most of it is keeping it fresh on my mind. If I allow myself to not think about it naturally I will not remember to do it. I no longer go to school saying stuff like why do I have to be here (my social dance class being the only exception) but I now want to be here and learn. I am so grateful for this whole experience! I enjoy being out here so much! My classes are super fun (well I think so). Yesterday I really enjoyed learning about Carbon 12 and Carbon 14 (call me a nerd, call me weird I really don't care I love this stuff). I anticipate the chance to learn more about global warming. I got excited Monday when I saw some trigonometry stuff I haven't seen since high school.

Testimony

"When the Lord plants a testimony in your heart, remember that a testimony isn't something you have today and you are going to have always. A testimony is fragile. It is hard to hold as a moonbeam. It is something you have to recapture everyday of your life." - President Harold B. Lee