The One Looking Back At You

So I have a few thoughts for this blog today. "Sometimes friends begin as enemies and enemies begin as friends." That couldn't be more true with the many roommates I've had. Of course that isn't always true, many times friends will remain friends. This semester I moved into my new apartment. At first my roommates seemed wonderful but by and by they showed their true colors. Things turned intense in the apartment a few months later and eventually I found myself having horrible thoughts about myself. The one person I pushed away became the one person I needed to get through all of this. I learned a lot by allowing the right people back in my life. More importantly I learned a lot by loving the person that I am and the person I am trying to be. Truth is it doesn't matter who stays in your life and who goes as long as you love who you are. Your greatest asset in life should always be the person you find in the mirror. Life is incredibly short and not a minute of it should be wasted hating the person looking back at you. Find the right people in your life and be willing to let someone go who won't be there for you. Most importantly find the one looking back at you, the one you have to face in the mirror. I'm talking about you, find yourself.

Become Better

Here are my top 10 tips to becoming a better member of the church:

1. Stop treating those who come to our meetings as problems. Believe it or not even nonmembers, those who have made mistakes, or anyone else who comes through those doors are real people. People do not have to live the same lives or be similar to you for you to act like a decent human being or for you to actually live your faith. Love them as Christ would.

2. Stop bearing hypocritical testimonies. I understand that we are not perfect but unless you really have been trying stop saying stuff you'll forget the next day. Sometimes it is better to remain quiet than to look like a fool.

3. This whole "member missionary" phrase needs to change. Why don't we just say live your faith instead. A good reputation can go a long way. We don't need to constantly push our faith on others.

4. Don't judge those who didn't go on missions or came home early for whatever reason. You have no idea what they are going through or what the Lord has in store for them.

5. Cut out creating drama or clicks. Look I understand that you will get along better with certain people but you are not behaving like Christ when you exclude people. You are not acting like Christ when you judge others either. You are not acting like Christ when you gossip, mock, or belittle another human being.

6. Stop being so prideful about serving a mission. I understand that your mission meant a lot to you and I'm sure the Lord is grateful for your service.

7. Don't act self-righteous because you have a specific calling. We are all serving the Lord in our various ways. The Lord allows the sun to set on EVERYONE.

8. You are ultimately responsible for your kids. It is your job to make sure that they are behaving and it is your responsibility to make sure others are able to have a nice sacrament meeting.

 9. Try not to fall asleep during someone's talk. I understand that it's Sunday but those speakers have spent a lot of time and effort into their talk. Make them feel appreciated for their efforts by trying to not fall asleep and keeping your mouth shut during the entire sacrament meeting.

10. Sunday is about serving others, coming closer to Christ, inspiring others, learning more about how to be better examples of Christ, and about renewing covenants. It's meant to be a sacred day, different from the rest. Start following your faith and watch miracles happen in your life and the lives of others.

When the rain finally stops everything is still wet from the previous storm. It takes a while but eventually things dry. Rain is a part of nature's cycle, it's needed. I think that it's the same with us. Sometimes we need to cry and sometimes we go through sad times. Storms aren't always fun and many times it does damage. Hard times aren't fun either and can do damage as well. Thing is after every storm there is a rainbow and so after every hard time there is happiness. Never forget that!

Music Within

"Without music, life would be a mistake." -Friedrich Nietzsche
The greatest songs come from within. Every heart has a beat just like every song. We move to the beat of our heart. It's hard sometimes to explain how a song makes us feel. Words do not fully understand what a song does. "Music touches us emotionally, where words alone can't." -Johnny Depp

Here are some random songs I enjoy:
"Extra Ordinary" Lucy Hale
"Pompeii" Bastille
"Counting Stars" One Republic
"Timber" Kesha
"Feel This Moment" Christina Aguilera
"Life Keeps Moving On" Ben Rector
"Advice" Christina Grimmie
"Brave" Josh Groban
"How Bad We Need Each Other" Marc Scibilia
"Invisible" Hunter Hayes
"Wake Me Up" Avicii (Madilyn Bailey version)
"Don't Want to Be Waiting" Grace Valerie
"Pyromania" Cascada
"Miss Movin' On" Fifth Harmony
"It's a Beautiful Day" Michael Buble

True to the Heart

Moving to a brand new town can be either a scary experience or a pleasant one, it just depends on the attitude you bring. I mean thinking about it one has to start over again. New friends, new job, new place to live, and in a lot of cases a new environment. Personally I think it can be harder to do what feels right instead of what is thought to be right. Eventually things work out but until then it's not always fun. Steve Jobs once said, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." Sometimes following your heart means saying the word "no." Someone's feelings could get hurt; that is hard knowing someone can get hurt by your decision but who are you more loyal to, yourself or another? I mean think about it who are you most loyal to? Sometimes that is not the same as who you want to be most loyal to. I think people can't really be loyal to others until they are first loyal to themselves. Really I think one of the greatest tragedies in life is forgetting who you are, acting like someone else, and being loyal to the wrong people. At the end of the day you have to live with your decisions and look at yourself in the mirror, not them. Remember who you are and be true to yourself. 

New Heights

At some point in our lives we must climb new heights and seek new perspectives.  If we consistently think the same things we will in essence continue to stand where we are currently standing.  Climbing a mountain requires moving or changing location consistently in order to reach the top.  Life is a constant climb to reach the top.  

Today I was reminded of that.  I wanted to get to the top of my mountain while standing still.  Sitting on a park bench in the middle of a hike comes with many dangers.  Choosing to not move comes with a price. Sometimes the rain comes down and soaks the valley, why sit in that?  Maybe the rain brings lightening, why risk a life?  And every evening it grows dark, what dangers could arise by sitting in the same place?  And seasons change.  Winter comes around every year and in some places that means snow, was it worth loosing a toe?  And for what?  What prize does one get sitting and waiting for something?  The only prize that is gained is not gaining anything at all.  Sunrises are prettier at the top than at the bottom or somewhere in between.  It is easier to see the whole picture at the top than at the bottom or somewhere in between.  

There is so much to become, to see, to taste, to feel, to do than remaining the same.  How many of us really want to keep our teenager thoughts?  Or do we want to develop our minds into something better?  

Sometimes along the journey our backpacks are too heavy and we must let go of some burdens.  What burdens are you willing to let go of to make the journey to the top?  Are holding rocks in a backpack necessary?  Life will throw all kinds challenges along the way, are we ready for when they come?  Are we trying to become ready?

I'm grateful for the Savior and for His guidance in all things.  I realize that His plans are better than mine.  I think He knows that I want to reach the top but that I need to be the one to make the trip.  

Through finals week remember...

Walt Disney once said, "Keep moving forward."  There are times that you may want to just give up and not worry about things anymore.  The problem with this sort of thinking is sacrificing passion.  It can be good to be passionate about things in fact when one isn't passionate there almost seems to be less of that person.  For example, when a musician is playing a song do you want want to listen to someone who is just playing the music or someone who is passionate about their music?  It's so interesting how sometimes we'd rather hear about passion than have passion in our lives.  How many people who are reading this go into their classes or their job just to get through the day?  How many of you guys really enjoy that?  What if you went into school or your work place with the mindset that you were going to take as much knowledge or help as many people as you possibly can?  Don't you think that that would make the difference?  Wouldn't you feel more alive if you did that?
Sometimes we have more motivation to be passionate.  Growing up my life forced me to want things more than most people I came across.  In elementary school a kid hit me in the head with a sharp rock because I wouldn't give up my seat.  In middle school the same group of girls picked on me for whatever reason they could find.  In high school some guy thought it was funny to throw ice at my back.  I can even give you stories about guys who were creeps and jerks to the point where my safety became at risk.  I've been told I was worthless by guys and girls for many years.  There were many days when I had to tell myself to just make it through one more day.  Through all of this I developed deep love and respect for others.  Yes, I'll admit I wasn't perfect at it.  Anyways, I worked really hard to create a life for myself where I wouldn't have to be around this anymore.  I could have just believed what others thought of me but I didn't.  At times I did break down and wasn't that fun to be around but I always picked myself up because I knew there was a better life out there, I just had to find it.  Years later I now attend a wonderful university, interned with Disney, and anticipate graduating in a few years.  
My point is to never give up.  Become passionate about making your life great!  Life will knock you down at times but you are only as down as you allow yourself to be.  There are great things waiting for you but you have to let them come and by doubting or having a pity party they can't.  Trust me, I know, I've been there.  I still hear people telling me I can't do this or I'll never amount up to that.  It's hard but I know that by working hard I can make something positive out of something negative.  Keep trying, keep improving, keep becoming better no matter who does or doesn't believe in you, no matter what happens to you.  Never give up.  "Keep moving forward."

Love and be loved

Everyone struggles in life and needs a lift from time to time, no matter who you are.  Let's face it, life is hard sometimes.  Some challenges are easy to spot but others aren't.  In fact it can even hurt when no one recognizes a person exists.  I know from personal experience what it's like to be overlooked and it's been my goal to make sure people don't feel that way.  My first year of college I was at a grocery store grabbing some stuff that I needed.  I ran into this complete stranger there and just started talking with him.  It was a nice, brief conversation.  Well about a year later I actually ran into him again.  I recognized his face but I can't remember where I knew him from.  He was so grateful that I had the courage to just talk to him because he was having a rough day and that turned his day around.  As much as I've been nice to people there have been people who have been nice to me.  I had one instance where someone I've gotten to know just randomly (literally out of the blue) took me off facebook.  I went to his house and asked him what I did to him...no answer.  I went over to a friend's house and just cried.  They let me vent and cry on their shoulders because it really hurt.  My point is that we stand in need to help and we stand in need to be helped.  Never rob someone of an opportunity to serve you because you never know if that might be a life changing opportunity for them.  You also never know if that will be a life changing opportunity for you.  I've come to love those that I serve just as much as those who have served me so love and be loved.

Fear not the fear

"Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself."  It's really difficult and scary thinking of the future, especially when you're not sure what'll happen.  College is a trying time for everyone.  Those who survive and are able to find a job after are doing good.  The end result seems wonderful in and of itself but what about the struggle?  School is basically blood, sweat, and tears at times.  Think about it, when you applied didn't you sweat a little?  When you failed or came close to failing a test didn't you cry?  When you were studying didn't you get at least one paper cut?  It's the concept of blood, sweat, and tears and somehow this motivates us human beings to do a little bit better.  What about all the drama that happened?  If you made it through college without any drama I commend you; please tell me how you did it, seriously!  Let's face it, college is rough.
Last semester my dad lost his job which means that I am now financing my entire schooling all by myself.  After talking with my mom I found out that she is now making $8,000 less than a year ago.  My grandparents aren't able to support anyone with my older sister the way she is.  To make matters even more interesting I'm no longer speaking to my dad.  Things keep happening and it's scary what could happen, what is happening in my life.
I suppose when these things happen in life the only things that we have left to hold onto is hope or fear.  Sometimes they are the same; we fear what we hope.  If we fear what we hope are we really hoping?  Shouldn't we just dust off our shoes a bit and work ten times harder than we ever have?  Is there really any room for fear?  "I can see the weight there in your eyes.  I can feel the thorn in your side.  Your knuckles are bruised from a loosing fight.  One way down a dead end street, broken glass underneath your feet.  You think the day won't break the sunless night.  The sun'll rise, the sun'll rise, when you've lost your light, the sun'll rise, it'll be alright...although you can't see it, so hard to believe it, sometimes you need a little faith.  There's an answer to your prayer and I swear that there'll come a day, yeah.  The sun'll rise, the sun'll rise, the sun'll rise (Kelly Clarkson)."  We can't always see this but one day things will make sense.  If you have a goal, no matter if the odds are with you or not, pursue it.  Fear not greatness but rather let greatness be afraid of you.

Sorrows can become positive

I feel like everyone goes through a bad relationship.  There are so many things one can learn after these tribulations are over.  I sure learned a lot through my horrible relationships.  My first boyfriend was terrible!  We began dating within the first week of getting to know each other.  He kept wanting to get closer and closer but I held my limits.  At the time I believed that my first kiss should  be saved for my wedding day so all I would do is hold hands or sit really close.  It wasn't too long before things didn't feel right.  My first attempt to breakup led to me backing off entirely.  He picked up on the idea that the idea of a breakup was in the air.  It was then that he threatened me if we ever broke up.  I can't even describe the fear that I felt for a year and then some after that.  There were a few other things that he did while we were "dating" that were a bit questionable.  Eventually I broke up with him.  That was extremely nerve wrecking for me because he had already threatened me before if we ever broke up.  I feel grateful that he never tried to come after me because I have heard of stories where ex boyfriends would physically harm a girl if she broke up with him.  Years later we talked about that night and he apologized for all of that but he still didn't have the greatest motives attached to his apology.  He still wanted something I didn't.  Eventually I built up the nerve to tell him how disgusting it is the way he treats women.  One day I really hope he understands that.
I feel so blessed that nothing ever happened.  I feel incredibly blessed to never have been physically harmed by a guy I have dated.
There are many other stories about things that have happened in my past that have created a hassle in my life.   The priesthood is such an amazing thing!  This semester I had the opportunity to receive a priesthood blessing to help my post traumatic stress.  The Lord has help lessen the pains, sorrows, and fears placed into my life by other individuals, unfortunately there have been more horrible stories than this.  He has given me exactly what I have needed for me to heal for the past several years.  It has helped me sleep and relax.  These things are still hard to me but they have become easier than they were before.
To those who are in abusive situations in any way, shape, or form get some help.  For those who were like me there is a way out of all of this!  You don't have to be quiet about anything that has happened.  Friends, family, teachers, guidance counselors, anybody you trust speak up.  Things will get better over time.  Just know that something can be done about all of this.
I'm learning to trust again after this and many other horrifying tales I haven't really talked much about.  I've learned that what's in the past is truly in the past.  I've learned to trust much better people and I'm hanging around much better people.  In ways I'm glad that I went through these trials, they have made me the person I am today.  They have helped me to be compassionate towards others who have been through similar things.

Coming to grips

Isn't it always the hardest at the beginning of a semester and towards the end as well?  It is for me at least.  The beginning of this semester was so rough!  I just came back from my internship with Disney World in Orlando, Florida.  It was 70 degrees!  Perfect weather!  It was nice that I had two days where I could do anything I wanted and having free passes to Disney was definitely a perk!  Then I had to come to Idaho for school; it was in the negatives when I came back.  The negatives!  We're not talking like negative one degree, we're talking negative sixteen or seventeen!  Bleh!  At first I struggled with a thing called Disney depression.  It's the worst!  You don't want to do anything but Disney related activities.  I found myself missing Disney more and more.  Whenever I would have free time I found myself having that itch to go to Disney and ride some rides.  Nope, I can't do that out here.  Slowly, I'm finding myself become a bit more lazy; I'm looking for ways out.  It seems like I have no direction anymore.  It seems as if a few years ago I had much more figured out.  As I was reading I noticed one thing, I didn't doubt my faith nearly as much or I made it more of an effort to read my scriptures or pray.  I'm starting to notice how quiet things really are when revelation becomes quiet.  It's interesting how these things have an impact on our lives.  When we take these things away we tend to forget who we are and where we're going in life.

Give chances

You know that guy you labeled "a good friend"?  So many guys, good guys, get trapped in this bubble.  These guys are the world's greatest secret!  They're the ones you turn to when you need a shoulder to cry on or when you want to hang out.  They're some of the most polite people you'll probably ever meet.  Some people wonder why they're still single.  Well in all honesty sometimes it is us girls; we just don't give out chances to the good guys, the guys we can always depend on or are dependable.  Sometimes we do give them chances and it's okay if things don't work out.  I've dated a lot and something I've noticed is the guys who can usually get a girl are the ones who know what to say and how to say it but have no meaning behind it.  It's like they're reading a script.  Heads up, they don't actually mean a word they say most of the time.  I challenge anyone who reads this and who is still single to give that good guy or good girl (because as much as this happens to the guys it happens to us girls) a chance.  Who knows, you might find someone you really like and you might find someone who is a legit good person.

Opening up is difficult!

Have you ever wanted to let people know the real you but couldn't?  That happens to me a lot.  It's so hard letting people know the real me sometimes.  Sometimes I have the hardest time telling people that I'm actually a quiet person or I can do a great dumb blonde impression.  You never know how  people are going to react and you don't want them to react mean about it.  I struggle telling people that I have horrible acne or secretly I actually like school but lately I've disliked it lately because I want to have a social life.  Honestly, I enjoy learning; I get bored with it out here because I want to have that social life I didn't have in high school or didn't think I could have.  There are so many things about myself I hide or wait to let other people know.  And when it comes to things that I like I'm actually pretty versatile; sometimes I really don't have an opinion on that because I go with the flow.  If people like an activity I do it and have fun doing it; I guess I'm really not that picky.  I suppose there are things I don't enjoy as much but overall I just go with the flow (or at least in my mind that's what I do).  I also like being around a variety of people though some people honestly I'd rather just avoid.  As long as I can live my standards I say let the good times roll.

More people should be like this!

There should be more people like this!  There have been some exceptional people I have had the chance to run into lately.  Tonight I went to a dance and I was giving myself a hard time for no apparent reason.  I went to a dance and most of the night I sat out.  No one was asking me to dance and I felt so bad for myself I wanted to leave.  Isn't it great how one person can change a night?  Well, a guy finally came up to me and asked me to dance.  That changed my entire night!  Suddenly I didn't feel so woe as me but a little bit more confident.  It's amazing how something small like asking someone to dance can just lighten the mood of someone who maybe a bit down on themselves, for whatever reason.
One of my friends, Jordan, did something I thought was amazing.  I wish I could have seen the look on this girl's face when he's done this!  He would ask girls out who never got asked out before.  That's incredible!  Why can't more guys be like that?  I wonder how the world would change if more people would just do stuff like that.  Perhaps there would be less self-esteem issues and perhaps we'd get along a little better.  Maybe there would be less people crying in bathrooms or at home on a Saturday night because they wonder if something is wrong with them.  So it's my opinion that people who do incredible things like this deserve a standing ovation!

Bad example, good story

Okay normally I don't do this sort of thing but considering the situation I did anyways.  I went to visit my old roommate this semester.  As I did some guys offered me a ride and I took it.  While we were in the car they mentioned how they were going to do a 180 with the car (which is dangerous, especially when the road is iced over).  I told them repeatedly not to and they reassured me that they wouldn't when I was in the car.  Well they did it anyways (so rude and nerve wrecking).  One guy wanted my number (no, what are you crazy?).  Well, I got to my friend's house safe (thankfully) but I'm not getting in a stranger's car ever again.  So the moral of the story, don't get into stranger's cars and don't follow my example and still do that.
On other news I want to thank the Koreans for promoting my blog.  I must say it's rather weird that some random people are following me but I appreciate that you guys like my blog.  I'm not sure what else to say so until my next post I guess this has been my post.

Single and loving it

This Valentine's day I'll probably be single again.  I'm really excited and looking forward to it.  It's a chance for me to look at the things that I already love and admire not the things I wish I had.  Love is so much more than heart shaped candies and cards that are sappy it's about caring for the people and things that are around you.  That's what love really is about.  So in all honesty these companies that are trying to monopolize on this upcoming holiday are really lying about the true meaning of the holiday.  You don't really have to buy people anything to find ways to let them know they are loved and you don't actually have to be in a relationship to love somebody.  So as usual my little sister is my valentiny.  I never get her anything for this holiday; all I do is let her know how much she means to me by telling her and that always suffices!  Have a Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

Judge not!

We never know the situations people are going through.  Today I ran into an old classmate from my second semester here at BYU Idaho.  He gestured for me to give him a hug (which I thought was a little strange considering he was married but brushed it to the side because he's an old friend).  We started talking and I asked him how about the wedding and how he's been doing.  Turns out he had been married for 5 months before his wife passed away.  One morning he woke up and she had a brain problem.  He took her to the hospital and needless to say she passed away.  He had spent a while with family which helped him during this difficult time.  It was a good thing that he was handling it and it was good seeing an old friend out and about. We don't know the situations of others and we should lend a helping hand whenever possible, even if all we can do is give a hug or chat with them from time to time.  That's my Wednesday thought.

The search for happiness

Yes, this title is a bit misleading because honestly we don't have to search for happiness because if we are truly looking we will find happiness in just about anything.  There is always good to anything.  What I mean to go at is the search to find that right person for whoever it may be.  There have been a few times that I've thought that I really loved a person and truth is I didn't.  I just loved the idea of being in love than I was actually in love.  I remember talking with elders and they gave me a scripture that helped me put things into perspective.  The message of the scripture is good things come from God and inspire us to become better.  I think it's the same way with people.  People who inspire you to be your best self and to become better are a gift from God.  This idea made me think about dating and whether to determine who I should date or not date (and yes I do believe it's important to be picky about dating; really, do you want to tell your kids "well I just dated this random guy here and yeah" NO, YOU DON'T!)  Is this person a real friend?  Is this person honest?  Will this person inspire you to become a better person?  Those are better feelings to have than just well he/she was a body and yeah.  Honestly the media just portrays love as making out or holding hands.  Yes, they're good things but honestly real love comes from being respected.  Real love comes from never having to worry that the other person will do the right thing.  Real love comes from friendship because once the romance fades what will you have to fall back on?

Ice demon

Did I ever tell you the time I defeated an ice demon?  My squire, Dallin, came along to confuse the dragon with his randomness.  Dallin tried to do a random dance move he never attempted before...the distraction wasn't enough.  Bongo, I've decided to name the dragon Bongo, could not believe he had missed a step and was not distracted at all.  Then it was me, Bongo, and the blistering cold.  I fought my hardest to slay the dragon and threw my sword at Bongo.  Let's not get dramatic my sword didn't hit it however it did scare him off.  The dragon flew away and his tail knocked me to the ground.  My cheek was sore for a while but at least I caused the town to be safe for now at least.
Ha ha lol.  I was coming home from a party early so I could study for tomorrow's test.  Dallin and I were goofing off sliding down ice.  I fell and hit my left cheek (it was a pretty epic fall if I do say so myself...I did a full 180 twist and face planted the sidewalk).  Dallin and some random person (thank you random person) helped me get home.

Post Traumatic Stress

Slowly I'm finally becoming okay with being labeled as having post traumatic stress.  I've been through a lot of extreme situations.  The more that I learn about it the more that I understand myself a bit better and why I do the things that I do.  I want to share an email I received regarding the tragic shooting that occurred recently.  I hope this brings awareness that post traumatic stress is real and it can have some intense effects on kids as well as adults.  I also hope that by bringing awareness to this someone somewhere will be greatly benefited one day.

"It is not uncommon for children (and adults) of all ages to experience features of acute or post-traumatic stress, even for those who witness the event remotely through media. The key features include: remembering, emotional numbing (for post-traumatic stress), and arousal. For remembering, many kids will have frightening flashbacks, or sometimes in younger children vague images of horror that they cannot describe. These images may interrupt sleep or intrude into the day. Some kids will react by regressed behavior such as clinging, and it is just fine to keep them close and allow this. After all, they need to feel attached! For other kids, they may shut down and avoid contact. While parents should not force physical contact, they should not leave them alone, but stay close, and try to engage them in playful and caring ways.

Many children and adults will demonstrate signs of “arousal” such as rapid heartbeat; feelings of panic or “impending doom”; rapid breathing, nausea, sweating. This is the “fight or flight” response well known in situations of extreme danger. It may, in fact, come on in response to thinking about such an event. Some kids will not be able to sleep, and want to be with their parents. This is one situation when bringing them into the bedroom, either into bed, or setting up a cot is called for. For others, sleeping together in a common room may work. The important thing is to stay close.

In the next few days to weeks some younger children may “re-enact” the event through play. They may play out games of shootings, people getting hurt, dying or taken to the hospital. Such play in younger children is normal and should be allowed, though it is really hard for many adults to tolerate it! But the important point is that kids work out their emotional conflicts through playing. This is a healthy response and assists their coping.

For younger children, turn off the TV! Remember, they may think the images and videos that are going to be continually covered by the media may mean these things are happening over and over. It may also increase their emotional distress, just as it will certainly increase the reactions of adults."

Granted this email was regarding to the tragic shooting however it is still has good information about PTS, post traumatic stress.  My heart goes out to those families who have suffered from this event and will suffer from this event.  I hope somehow they find comfort through these difficult times.